Sexscopes

Sexscopes: How to Seduce, Stimulate, and Satisfy Any Sign  by Stuart Hazleton
2001
Weight: 9 oz
Method of Disposal: Leaving at Joe's in EAV

This was left behind by my ex-girlfriend (a Leo) long ago.  I (a Leo) thought I had already given it away, but it appears that I have not.  The woman I am with now is a cusp so it makes it less obvious but, according to this, if she leans towards Cancer we are set for bliss, but if she leans towards Leo we are screwed. 

I chose to lean towards bliss.

There is an inconsistency though.  If you read it from her sign it goes like this:

SEXUAL SYNERGY
Leo and Cancer: leo's sunny attitude in the sack keeps Cancer guessing, but since Leo sticks by those he or she loves the crab won't need to worry about a Sagittarian-style stray.  Cancer shows Leo love and radiates the possessive nature kitty cats desire.  Meanwhile, Leo presents Cancer with a myriad sexual situations--and positions!  Paradise found.

BUT WILL IT LAST?
Leo and Cancer: Once Cancer can get used to Leo's over-the-top attitude, all signals are definitely go in this awesome mix.  Cancer's intuition enables him or her to say all the right things to compliment proud but needy Leo, while Leo will do anything to protect the easily wounded sign of the crab.


Then, if you read it from my angle it goes like this:

SEXUAL SYNERGY
Cancer and Leo: Your odds for headboard-banging hedonism are about fifty/fifty when you pair the sign of the crab with the sign of the lion.  Leo likes Cancer's constant attention but Leo's anything-goes attitude and need to be worshipped in the sack grate on Cancer's nerves.  Probably not a good long-term option but an awesome emergency booty call.

BUT WILL IT LAST?
Both of you believe in true love but you have varied definitions on what true love means.  For Leo, love is a parade--something to be celebrated in parties and public alike.  For Cancer, romance is far more personal.  The idea of exposing their inner soul to anyone other than their mate is the anathema to the sign of the crab.  Compromise is key to making this perilous passion work.  If Leo takes two steps back while Cancer steps forward, you'll be a totally content couple.


Hmmm, well, I guess only time, not stars, will tell.


According to the front of the book, "Thank your lucky libido Sexscopes has arrived.  More fun than an inflatable doll, more titillating than a pair of tight jeans--open this book and get ready for a good time." --Matthew "Dr. Matt" Abergel, author of Work Your Stars and Gay Stars
 

"If you're born a lion why bother trying to act tame..." Ani D.

The Secret Language of Birthdays by gary Goldschneider and Joost Elffers
1994 Hardcover
The Power of Birthdays, Stars, and Numbers: The Complete Personology Reference Guide
By Saffir Crawford and Geraldine Sullivan
1998 Paperback
Weight: 7.5 lbs
Method of Disposal: Selling unless you change my mind



The Tweets, Facebook updates, and text messages spread the news quickly that the horoscope had changed. Some people were no longer considered to be brave lions and had been downgraded to the scuttling crab. A new sign was added. Panic and confusion ensued. I got multiple, mocking, and sneering phone calls letting me know I was no longer a Leo. This was not the first time that the basic rules of Astrology had been called into question. Astronomy is not so kind to Astrology. This, however, was different than the thousands of arguments prior because the news was released with exuberance to a lot of people, with a quickness, and repeatedly in a very short period of time. It was different because it brought my identity under fire.

I am not saying I put much faith in any of my many horoscopes or that I actively seek out my rising or descending signs. I am not claiming (or disclaiming) the accuracy or truth of the stars and birthdays. I don’t much care about all that, but I do know I was raised a lion, and I intend to remain as such. I was very young when my mother first told me I was a Leo. I was curious, and she answered all my questions. I liked it. I felt better, braver, and more cantankerous. I began acting like a lion, dressing as a lion, growing into the lion I was always meant to be. As I got older, I stopped wearing the full-body furry costume. I did not ask my friends to walk me around on a leash and whip me if I tried to attack anyone (Its true). I guess I might be willing to bring that back. But, I never lost my pride. I reveled in my Leo-ness and in the Leo-ness of others. I got into very exciting, very sticky, and overly dramatic situations, butting heads with other lions. Relationships would dissolve, and we could blame it on the combating egos and selfishness well-associated with our species. I refuse to let it go.

I will, however, get rid of some of my fun (yet ridiculous) birthday books to honor this new 13th sign of the Zodiac. This Ophiuchus. I had so much fun with them over the years, but I only open them once every four years (it seems) and so I see no reason to haul them around. I appreciate their absence of Ophiuchus and, who knows, I may never find that absence again, but I probably will. People talked about it all day and now it is already fading away, as things do when they zoom through the internet.

Did you know I share a birthday with Whitney M. Young? The most awful William Bennett (not a lion)? My strengths are that I am fearless, competitive, patient (until a course of action is determined), observant, expressive, and visual. My weaknesses are that I am hasty, stubborn, restless, anxious, disturbed, and isolated. My advice: “Your realism should not be a prescription for unhappiness.”


My meditation: All words are lies.