The Sweet Smell of Psychosis

 The Sweet Smell of Psychosis: A Novella by Will Self
1999
Weight: 4 oz
Method of Disposal: Giving Away

This short novella was not an easy read!  I think I have picked it up and not been able to get into it several times over the years.  This time, I was on post-surgery drugs and so think I was better able to suspend reality and try to delve into it.  It was a real struggle though.  I think there was a certain timeframe where men could write anything they wanted about sex, aggression, force, drugs, alcohol and the more "disgusting" or "disturbing" they could be the better.  I went through that stage in college too, but it does not work for women.  It is much more desirable for men to be forceful, ejaculate, fuck, and blur the lines of reality.  Women exist to conquer and to cum all over.  I am not turned off by dirty sex or risque behavior.  I love good, consensual fun, but I do not think being graphic for no reason makes you an artist.  Obviously, a lot of other people feel quite different, so to each their own!  I did appreciate the drawings dotted throughout the books.  They really added to the dreamlike, alternate and fluid reality that I was suspended in as the reader.  Also, excellent title!

Never Enough: The Neuroscience and Experience of Addiction

 Never Enough: The Neuroscience and Experience of Addiction by Judith Grisel
2019
Weight: 16 oz
Method of Disposal: Mailing to a Friend

This book is part memoir and part scientific essay on neuroscience and addiction.  It is an excellent introduction for someone who wants to understand addiction better across a spectrum of drugs.  The author discusses the differences and similarities between stimulants, opiates, alcohol, thc, psychedelics, and other drugs.  Judith briefly mentions how others in the same or similar situation as her died, and that there is no reason she should have necessarily made it out alive and they did not.  She was in enough dangerous situations, but thank goodness she made it out.  Now, look at the work she is doing.  It is really impressive.  Think of all the talent, intelligence, and value we lose to addiction every day, with those that do not make it out.

Rosa Lee

Rosa Lee: A Mother and Her Family in Urban America by Leon Dash
1996
Weight: 8.8 oz
Method of Disposal: Give back to mom or lending library

This book was brutal.  It was a window into a world I can clearly see I have no known experience with, and it was hard to face.  The very idea that a mother would feel like she had to sell her own child and that she felt the child had been able to consent in any way is truly shocking to me and what is more shocking is that you cannot just villainize that mother and neatly put her away in a box labeled "terrible."  There is so much more to Rosa's story--good and bad. Rosa Lee's family is so influenced by institutionalized racism that is impossible to even imagine what would have happened to them in a different society or place.

I understand the fear that some people have that this book makes black people look bad, but I definitely disagree.  It is very clear that it does not represent all black people or all poor black people and, if you were ignorant enough to think it truly did, the author clearly writes that it is a thorough case study on just one family and explains why he thinks it is important.  Still, I know that there are many people who would read this story as evidence for whatever they already believe and that is always scary. 

The author writes, "I recognize that there are many ways to look at Rosa Lee.  There is something of her life to confirm any political viewpoint--liberal, moderate, or conservative.  Some may see her as a victim of hopeless circumstances, a woman born to a life of deprivation because of America's long history of discrimination and racism.  Others may give her the benefit of the doubt in some cases but hold her personally accountable for much of what she did to herself, her children, and her grandchildren.  A third group might say that Rosa Lee is a thief, a drug addict, a failed parent, a broken woman paying for her sins, and a woman who seemingly was so set on placing her children on the path to failure that it is amazing that even two of them manage to live conventional lives" (p. 251).

No matter how the reader feels about whether it should have been written or not, there is one thing we should all be able to agree on.  It is heartbreaking from beginning to end.  The destruction the drugs wreaked on this family and this community is unbelievable and frightening.  The individual understanding, accountability, and expectations each hiv-infected person had about their illness, their future, and the future of others around them was eye-opening. 

I could not help but think about myself now aged 32 and Patty Cunningham, Rosa Lee's daughter, being in her thirties in the book and completely addicted to heroine.  Unable to get through a single day without the drug, despite the danger she was in, without jail time.  The sexual abuse she suffered again and again.  We know what happens to Bobby and to Rosa.  I don't know if I want to know, but I cannot help but wonder what happens to Patty and Junior.  I also wonder about the others, of course, about Alvin, Eric, Ducky,Richard, Ronnie, hell, even Mr. Dash.  This appears to be Patty: http://www.tributes.com/obituary/show/Donna-D.-Wright-86154465.  What did she do until 2009?  I suppose it is none of my business, but I am grateful to the author for taking the time and for Rosa and participating family members for sharing their secrets and their lives.

Cherry

Cherry by Mary Karr
2000
Weight: 12 oz
Method of Disposal: Lending Library

Coming of Age stories, like the previously written about coming out story, are hard because they are done by so many people in so many different ways.  It can feel like you have read them over and over again.  The time this is written is also important for context.  18 years ago. 

I was enjoying it but not overly blown away by it.  I totally appreciated the young narrator reveling in her sexual power, but I felt like I was watching her fall into low self-esteem, drugs, bad situations with little consequence and not a lot of insight into the reasons she was spiraling out.  We did get the impression that it was due to her parents not being overly concerned with her life, though they were there for her in very important and big ways when it counted.  Her dad is painted as having some anger issues, and her mom does at one point attempt to kill herself with both daughters begging her not to.

 It was not until the author, or maybe it was the letter at the front, someone anyway, pointed out that it was a sexual coming of age story written from a girl's perspective that I felt that old familiar rallying cry of pro-sex feminism rise up within me.  I had forgotten that we have for so long not been able to read young girl characters as sexual agents in their own story.  That we've had coming of ages stories for boys out the wazoo but not for girls.  So, I can respect it for that.  I don't know when life started ti improve enough that I forgot that, but I remember being a young girl now and hating Holden Caulfield and feeling like I could not relate to any coming of age story ever written.  Given, as a super lesbian teen, I probably would not have related so much to this one either, but I can appreciate it's importance.  I was busting with sexuality back then, but it was in a very different way, I think.

One complaint I did have was that I did not feel like there was a real ending, and I felt like the writing there was kind of rushed.  I wished for something more, but I am not sure what it was.  There was just this hippie, drug-induced, whatever whatever that ended in jail and then Mary's mom came to the rescue in a way that still made Mary feel angry and isolated.  I guess with it being a memoir, maybe that is just real life?  I don't know.

Beyond the Yellow Brick Road

Beyond the Yellow Brick Road: Our Children and Drugs by Bob Meehan and Stephen J. Meyer
1984
Weight: 1 lb
Method of Disposal: Burn

ABC 15 News Bob Meehan

Nuff Said.

Good Riddance.

TWEAK

Tweak: Growing Up on Methamphetamines  Nic Sheff
2009
Weight: 10.4 oz
Method of Disposal: Donating

I recently picked this book off my shelf at random.  I did not read it all in one day like many people said they did.  I found it very difficult to get through.  It follows the life of a drug addict and at every turn things get worse and worse and worse and better and worse.  As a reader, you watched things happen and wanted to shout "no" or "stop" or "you know what he just did to you, right?" But the bad things happened anyway.  It made me feel sick and sad.  The desperation, the trying, the messing up.  This book was successful.  It gave you an inkling as to how painful addiction can be and how difficult it can be to overcome.  The relapses and the pain caused along the way.

Nic describes being raised with money and around money.  In many ways, this added to his addiction, as he could still money and housing from people who had it.  It also is what gave him a chance at survival, as his parents/friends/whoever could afford to get him into rehabs repeatedly.  I am afraid to Google his name, but I hope he was able to overcome once and for all this time.  I cannot imagine how difficult it would be coming from any socio-economic situation.

From Chocolate to Morphine

From Chocolate to Morphine: Everything You Need to Know About Mind-Altering Drugs
By Andrew Weil, M.D. and Einifred Rosen
1998
Method of Disposal: Giving away, do you want it?

Day 3 of quitting smoking is absolutely my least favorite so far. I felt like I could not focus all day, was irritable, and whether or not it was related, I was and am extremely nauseated. I thought the first three days were the worst but now I hear it is five and, of course, the two week milestone, and then the three month. So much work! I do not like this game. Not even a little. I have found that it is best to leave work and go straight home, try to ignore everything else I have to do and sleep. The Georgia heat really helps knock me out until night falls. I wonder how my cohort is doing (I am quitting with someone else), though I hear she is not well via text.

Did I mention that this whole process is deplorable? In honor of this feeling and in memorandum of my dear cigarettes, I am giving away From Chocolate to Morphine. I am sure I do not have to explain why. If you want it, let me know, and I will ship it to you free of charge. The information is dated, but it is fun anyway, and a lot of it is still accurate. The authors state that they are not writing a pro or anti drug book but, rather, talking about relationships to drugs. Separating non-use, from use, and then from abuse.