The Letter Q

The Letter Q: Queer Writers' Notes to Their Younger Selves Edited by Sarah Moon
2012
Weight: 1.3 lbs
Method of Disposal: Lending Library

My most exciting discovery from this book was that Bruce Coville self-identified as bisexual and then queer in his essay.  I remember reading his books growing up.  I remember thinking that there was something very wrong with me and being so ashamed.  I remember realizing that I was attracted to women and thinking I might be the only girl to feel that way.  I was so jealous of my brother every step of the way.  Being a boy.  Staying out late.  Dating girls.  All along, gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, and transgender people were around me, leading the way, making a path, helping me survive, showing me another way, even when hidden behind the words on the pages of books about alien teachers and dragon hatchers in the books I stole from my brother's shelf.

This book is predominantly gay with a capital G.  A few dashes of lesbian.  And maybe a pinch of gender fluidity.  It, ultimately, aims to reassure kids that life will get better for them and that they are not alone.  What would I say to Little Laura?

Dear Laura,

I am proud of you and impressed with you for coming out when you did.  I know it is not always easy, and it will not always be easy.  But you learned to fake confidence when you were not feeling confident, and I think that likely saves you.  You will have your nose shattered, your car keyed, they will put pictures of dead gay people in your locker, say horrible things about you that you still cannot imagine ever saying about another human being, and ultimately they will make your car inoperable.  They will also call you ridiculous names that will make you laugh because they just show you how little they know about sex, pleasure, love, and happiness.  "Leg Licker" will stand out as a particularly ridiculous insult in a stream of insults..  Do not let these things break you.  You will want to let them break you.  You will meet plenty of girls and women that are interested in you.  You will inspire people even when you think no one is paying attention.

People are not at all wrong when they tell you that you will love college.  I know you struggle to believe that because you feel so alone and fit in nowhere, but it is true.  In college, all the things the middle schoolers and high schoolers hated about you will make people respect you and reach out to you.  Some people will want your advice.  You will actually, and I know this is hard to believe, be grateful for all that you went through, at least in some ways, because, while a lot of people are discovering who they are in college and going totally wild, you will feel safe in the security and knowledge that you already know who you are.

The person I most want to speak to is you in 6th, 7th, and 8th grade.  Your mom's friend will tell you that those will be the best years of your life some day and that you will miss them.  You struggle to believe that is true.  Your mom will tell you that she wishes she could tell you that people grow up and are more mature, but it is not true.  The difference, is that you grow up and are more mature.  More able to find your own people and set your own boundaries.  Your mom's friend is 100% wrong (making you 100% right--you are stuck in the worst time of your life), but your mom was right. 

Don't get me wrong, you still have a lot of terrible things to face.  I will warn you now never to drink in that dive bar by the school, or at least to get the fuck out when some random guy you do not know gives you the creeps.  Up until then, there is not much you regret but, if you do not get out of there, you will regret so much for so many years.  Everything else will make you who you are and make you stronger. 

You will never again feel that soul crushing loneliness.  You will never again think that you are so uniquely malformed and maladjusted that you do not deserve to live.  You need to live and you need to meet the woman you will give all of yourself to.  She will not be the woman of your dreams.  It turns out your dreams were extremely limiting and were holding you back.  She is far more amazing than anyone you could have ever thought up, and you spend plenty of wasted time trying to find that imaginary person until the beautiful year you spend finding her.  The good news is that all that trying is what prepares you to be the person she needs when you find her.

Anyway, I do not know what to tell you and what not to tell you that will pull you through those hard years.  I think the most important things are as follows:

1.  One day you will not only be okay with being a lesbian, you will be GRATEFUL for it.  You will not want to change it even if you could!  This part of yourself has sparked in you so much more.  You are caring, empathetic, active, passionate, loving, fighting, worthy, open, interested, intrigued, turned on, compassionate, ever-evolving.

2.  Do not start smoking.  Your mom is so right.  Once you start it IS next to impossible to stop.  And right now, you think you do not have much to live for, but one day you will have so much to live for that, instead of dancing with death, you will start to fear it.  Having been a smoker will not make this any easier.

3.  Get the fuck out of that bar when it starts to feel wrong.  You will be in your senior year of college.

4.  You will one day realize you were and are incredibly lucky.  Your parents are amazing (your dad is not what you think he is), you have friends that love you, and your partner is, as previously stated, incredible.  You have a not so small menagerie of dogs that follow you around and get jealous if you give your attention to anyone else.

5.  Stop with the suicidal whatever whatever.  You will one day realize that you are not just the oppressed but the oppressor.  You've had too much privilege to take it all and throw it away without unpacking it, examining it, and dedicating your life to making change.  You do not get to give up.  There is too much to fight for.

6. Masturbation is normal and wonderful.  I know it does not take you long to realize this, but just in case you need some help.

7.  Dana Scully really is that cool.  You will always think so. 

8.  If you can set your life up to where you and your family can hide away for the year 2020 and have enough food, supplies, money, etc.  Please God, do it.

I need you to be strong for me.  Hold tight.  There is so much more in you and in the world than you know.

Take care of you.

Laura

Neverhome

Neverhome by Laird Hunt
2015
Weight: 6.7 oz
Method of Disposal: Leaving in a Lending Library

The premise of this book is exciting in and of itself and, in some ways, gives the author more leeway to experiment and create because it will be interesting no matter what.  It is about a woman who dresses up as a man and goes to fight in the Civil War.  Apparently, around 400 women disguised themselves and fought on both the Confederacy and Union sides of the War.  Who were these women and what drove them?  Did anyone get away with it through the entirety of the war?

This author had a take that was different than what I was hoping for, but it was their take and I enjoyed reading it.  I struggled to relate in any real way to the primary character, but I was interested in her by default.  This has sparked a real interest in me to learn more.  I am open to suggestions!

When I Knew

When I Knew Edited By Robert Trachtenberg
2005
Weight: 1.3 lbs
Method of Disposal: Leaving in a Lending Library

This book was more fun than I expected, particularly when it came to gay men, who were featured more than anyone.  The lesbian snippets were good but few.  It does not expand much past those worlds, which is okay.  It is a book about when each person realized they were gay with a capital G, after all. 

I loved the opening one.  "1969: My father was watching the evening news.  The announcer said that Judy Garland had died.  I fainted.  I was nine."  -Andre Freedman

Anyway, a fun book for your coffee table or for a quick read if you are interested!

The Moth Presents All These Wonders

The Moth Presents All These Wonders: True Stories About Facing the Unknown Edited by Catharine Burns
2017
Weight: 1.1 lbs
Method of Disposal: Sending to a friend

This book was fantastic!  Some of the essays were definitely stronger than others, but it was all around great.  I cannot wait to share it with others.  One of the pieces that really stands out to me is the woman who had to face the death of her husband and the knowledge she has since used to talk to others about their own experiences of death, including a small child.  I imagine there is at least one essay for every person in here--you will find something to connect to.  The mother whose son had a traumatic brain injury and her battles within the medical and insurance system in the United States.  The son that throws a goodbye party with his mom for his mom who is dying.  There is so much in here, and it does not always feel so heavy and so sad or, even when it does, there is something to learn there.  Honestly, it is really hard to give it away!  If I did not know at least several people that I think will love it, I may not be able to.  If you haven't, you should read it!

All New People

All New People by Anne Lamott
1999
Weight: 8 oz
Method of Disposal: Giving Away After Disinfecting

I do not know how it is possible, but this book felt like growing up even though I did not grow up in the 60's.  There was nothing shocking or life changing that happened in the book, but I loved it in a calm, collected way.  It kind of felt like going home but to a home I have not seen in a long time and that I was not feeling nostalgic for.  I possibly even forgot it existed until I read this or, maybe I did not forget, but I had not thought about it in a long time.  Anne Lamott knows how to write about real people, particularly working or middle class white people.  She writes about them with respect and honesty. Anne Lamott has a real talent, and I always seem to enjoy her books as a whole.

When the title presented itself in the text I felt like my mind was blown, and I was so excited.  It was one of those moments.  I will not ruin it for those of you who might read it though.

The black characters from the church in this book were peripheral but did not feel at all the same way as the other characters. They seemed more like props.  I know they were being described from a child's point of view, but the descriptions of them really took me out of the book and out of the moment.  They are defined Black upon introduction and the other characters are not defined by their race upon introduction.  This is common, particularly in books from 1989 but, reading it in 2020, it was discouraging and disappointing.  Nonetheless, they were liked and appreciated by the other characters in the story.  It just made me wonder why.  Why represent them the way they were?  I think it was to say something about the mom in the book--but what does that really say?  Is it what was intended? It did not feel good or right, despite being such a small part of the overall novel.

Tales from the Clit: A Female Experience of Pornography

Tales from the Clit: A Female Experience of Pornography edited by Cherie Matrix
2001
Weight: 6.4oz
Method of Disposal: Taking Suggestions!

Any suggestions on how to best ensure that books about sex, pornography, sex work make it into the hands of someone who wants them?  Let me know if you would like me to send this one to you! 

I reread this book this year, and it is definitely dated.  It was published in 1996 and is about the UK.  Some things aged really well and some did not.  I am sure there will still be readers who will relate heavily to some of the authors and their fantasies even now.  This book was a good source of personal essays about pornography, S/M, and censorship.  It does not delve into academic arguments for or against censorship.  It is really more based on feeling and personal pleasures, personal stories.  Some of the authors were arrested or had their homes torn up due to censorship. 

If you are exploring sex and sexuality, but are fairly new to the world beyond heteronormativity, this might be a good introduction still.