On Our Backs Guide to Lesbian Sex

 On Our Backs Guide to Lesbian Sex edited by Diana Cage
2004
Weight: 1.12 lbs
Method of Disposal: Who knows?  Seriously, who knows what I can do?

I never know how to rehome sex books.  All the guides, erotica, and photography.  There are so many great books I am sure someone out there would devour, but I never know how to get them from Point A to Point B.  I do not want to sell them, and I do not want them to get thrown out if I donate them.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  I have recently discovered that in the UK you can recycle your sex toys.  It is a money losing proposition and yet Lovehoney will do it.  Amazing.  

This particular sex guide is good in that it covers a lot of ground.  It takes you from cunnilingus, to fisting, to strap ons, to needles, to fire, to being fat and sexy, to being disabled and enjoying sex, to pornography, to tribadism.  All sorts.  You will get a good basic definition, some first hand accounts, some reminders about consent, and some photos.  For some people, the book seems to be too blunt and outspoken, but that is what Off Your Backs was for.  It pushed the borders of normal and celebrated the erotic without being curbed by the societal pressure to hold back.

That being said, if you are not a beginner and have not shied away from the risqué, there is not much here to learn at this point.  Or maybe, I have just oversaturated myself with sex, bdsm, kink information over the years.  This book is now over a decade old, and it shows in some areas.  The parts about online dating and the pornography recommendations are just two areas I can think of.  I also think, if done now, there would be even more about consent, safe words, gender fluidity, more sexualities represented...just more.

I will always appreciate Off Our Backs and this book still has an audience.  Hopefully, this book will find a new home and not end up in the landfill.  Someone that can handle profanity and diverse sexual desires.  Rest assured, it is your grandparent's, and possibly your parent's, worst nightmare.

Premarital Counseling for Gays and Lesbians

 Premarital Counseling for Gays and Lesbians: Case Studies and Helpful Questions by Pamela Milam, LPC
2012
Weight: 5 oz
Method of Disposal: Donating

This seems like a great place to start for anyone in a serious relationship if they are looking to get married, be together for a long time unmarried, move in together.  It is small, easy to read, and just simple good, advice.  It is inclusive of polyamorous relationships.  Unfortunately, it no longer seems to be readily available many places.  I would love to get this book to someone that needs it or wants it.  If you have any suggestions in the near future or would like me to mail it to you, let me know!

The Letter Q

The Letter Q: Queer Writers' Notes to Their Younger Selves Edited by Sarah Moon
2012
Weight: 1.3 lbs
Method of Disposal: Lending Library

My most exciting discovery from this book was that Bruce Coville self-identified as bisexual and then queer in his essay.  I remember reading his books growing up.  I remember thinking that there was something very wrong with me and being so ashamed.  I remember realizing that I was attracted to women and thinking I might be the only girl to feel that way.  I was so jealous of my brother every step of the way.  Being a boy.  Staying out late.  Dating girls.  All along, gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, and transgender people were around me, leading the way, making a path, helping me survive, showing me another way, even when hidden behind the words on the pages of books about alien teachers and dragon hatchers in the books I stole from my brother's shelf.

This book is predominantly gay with a capital G.  A few dashes of lesbian.  And maybe a pinch of gender fluidity.  It, ultimately, aims to reassure kids that life will get better for them and that they are not alone.  What would I say to Little Laura?

Dear Laura,

I am proud of you and impressed with you for coming out when you did.  I know it is not always easy, and it will not always be easy.  But you learned to fake confidence when you were not feeling confident, and I think that likely saves you.  You will have your nose shattered, your car keyed, they will put pictures of dead gay people in your locker, say horrible things about you that you still cannot imagine ever saying about another human being, and ultimately they will make your car inoperable.  They will also call you ridiculous names that will make you laugh because they just show you how little they know about sex, pleasure, love, and happiness.  "Leg Licker" will stand out as a particularly ridiculous insult in a stream of insults..  Do not let these things break you.  You will want to let them break you.  You will meet plenty of girls and women that are interested in you.  You will inspire people even when you think no one is paying attention.

People are not at all wrong when they tell you that you will love college.  I know you struggle to believe that because you feel so alone and fit in nowhere, but it is true.  In college, all the things the middle schoolers and high schoolers hated about you will make people respect you and reach out to you.  Some people will want your advice.  You will actually, and I know this is hard to believe, be grateful for all that you went through, at least in some ways, because, while a lot of people are discovering who they are in college and going totally wild, you will feel safe in the security and knowledge that you already know who you are.

The person I most want to speak to is you in 6th, 7th, and 8th grade.  Your mom's friend will tell you that those will be the best years of your life some day and that you will miss them.  You struggle to believe that is true.  Your mom will tell you that she wishes she could tell you that people grow up and are more mature, but it is not true.  The difference, is that you grow up and are more mature.  More able to find your own people and set your own boundaries.  Your mom's friend is 100% wrong (making you 100% right--you are stuck in the worst time of your life), but your mom was right. 

Don't get me wrong, you still have a lot of terrible things to face.  I will warn you now never to drink in that dive bar by the school, or at least to get the fuck out when some random guy you do not know gives you the creeps.  Up until then, there is not much you regret but, if you do not get out of there, you will regret so much for so many years.  Everything else will make you who you are and make you stronger. 

You will never again feel that soul crushing loneliness.  You will never again think that you are so uniquely malformed and maladjusted that you do not deserve to live.  You need to live and you need to meet the woman you will give all of yourself to.  She will not be the woman of your dreams.  It turns out your dreams were extremely limiting and were holding you back.  She is far more amazing than anyone you could have ever thought up, and you spend plenty of wasted time trying to find that imaginary person until the beautiful year you spend finding her.  The good news is that all that trying is what prepares you to be the person she needs when you find her.

Anyway, I do not know what to tell you and what not to tell you that will pull you through those hard years.  I think the most important things are as follows:

1.  One day you will not only be okay with being a lesbian, you will be GRATEFUL for it.  You will not want to change it even if you could!  This part of yourself has sparked in you so much more.  You are caring, empathetic, active, passionate, loving, fighting, worthy, open, interested, intrigued, turned on, compassionate, ever-evolving.

2.  Do not start smoking.  Your mom is so right.  Once you start it IS next to impossible to stop.  And right now, you think you do not have much to live for, but one day you will have so much to live for that, instead of dancing with death, you will start to fear it.  Having been a smoker will not make this any easier.

3.  Get the fuck out of that bar when it starts to feel wrong.  You will be in your senior year of college.

4.  You will one day realize you were and are incredibly lucky.  Your parents are amazing (your dad is not what you think he is), you have friends that love you, and your partner is, as previously stated, incredible.  You have a not so small menagerie of dogs that follow you around and get jealous if you give your attention to anyone else.

5.  Stop with the suicidal whatever whatever.  You will one day realize that you are not just the oppressed but the oppressor.  You've had too much privilege to take it all and throw it away without unpacking it, examining it, and dedicating your life to making change.  You do not get to give up.  There is too much to fight for.

6. Masturbation is normal and wonderful.  I know it does not take you long to realize this, but just in case you need some help.

7.  Dana Scully really is that cool.  You will always think so. 

8.  If you can set your life up to where you and your family can hide away for the year 2020 and have enough food, supplies, money, etc.  Please God, do it.

I need you to be strong for me.  Hold tight.  There is so much more in you and in the world than you know.

Take care of you.

Laura

Love Warrior

Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle
2017
Weight: 9.6 oz
Method of Disposal: Left in a hotel in London

I went to a Leadercast Women Conference where there were a multitude of excellent speakers, but Glennon Doyle had the entire auditorium laughing. She was incredible. She brought honesty, feminism, love, motherhood, lesbianism to the stage and it seemed like almost everyone could relate in some way. I had to buy her book. So, I did. I was hoping to buy the book that I now realize is the ,yet to be released, Untamed.  

I am not going to lie. I was waiting for her to fall in love with her wife, Rapinoe, the whole time, since I knew that would happen from the talk she gave. So, I was disappointed when that didn’t happen! I have still another one of her books to catch up on before Untamed. Love Warrior was not hilarious in the way her talk was, but it was good. I was glad to read it, but it was also a little surreal hearing her trying to figure out her life and knowing how some things would pan out down the way, though in the book she did not.

I leave this by saying that if you ever get the chance to see Glennon Doyle do it. Don’t miss out. She’s so much fun.

Geography of the Heart

Geography of the Heart by Fenton Johnson
1997
Weight: 13 oz
Method of Disposal: Gave to a friend

I picked this one up at a used bookstore recently on a whim, and I am so glad I did.  It was a very moving and meaningful book about a young couple, one who was HIV positive and one that was negative, during a time when we were still lacking the information we now have now on the virus.  The author gave us what felt like a very honest and intimate look into his and his partner's lives together and, honestly, taught me something about love and mortality.  I would absolutely recommend it if you have not read it.

Prayer Warriors

Prayer Warriors: The True Story of a Gay Son, his Fundamentalist Christian Family, and their Battle for his Soul by Stuart Howell Miller
2000
Weight: 8.8 oz
Method of Disposal: Lending Library

This book was an easy and quick read though, of course, it is never "easy" to stomach the homophobia and cruelty put forth by someone's family to their own son.  It was easy only in that it was very conversational, was made up of basic language, was fairly short.  The author would randomly throw out a joke with his audience that would pull me out of the story very suddenly, and I would actually say out loud, "what?" and then reread the sentence to be sure it was there.  These little snippets were usually overtly "gay" and felt unnecessary. Of course, Stuart's family often came out with the more seriously off the wall shit.  Here is an exchange where both of them do from page 144:

"Troy retold the story of how an electric fence nearly killed my sister when she was a child and then said, "The lifestyle you have chosen is more dangerous than death by electric shocking.  God loves you Stuart.  Please do not spit in his face with this homosexual lifestyle you have chosen for yourself.' 

I immediately ran outside and searched for a pretty girl to marry, but the closest I could find in West Hollywood was a drunken, gravel-voiced drag queen. 'I don't want to marry,' she said, 'I like my freedom.'"

What?

The author was clearly very involved in the L.A. Community and has a very impressive resume.  I had hoped that would make it easier to find out how he was doing 18 years later.  I do not really need another book, though this one was a basically good read, but I would love an article about if his family ever came around, and/or if he managed to hold up okay. 

I also think this book would have been more powerful to me had I read it when it was first published.  So much has changed since then--not to say these things still do not happen--because they do, but I had less access to information and community then.  A lot of us did.  I was more isolated, though I was not completely alone like some folks in generations before me, and I would have held this account more closely.  At 32, I have read many many stories about white, gay men struggling with conservative christian families.  I have also, of course, read many more violent coming out stories.  Maybe that is the larger thing here, I have read and heard thousands of coming out stories and, while I know they are important, I am not as keen on seeking them out and reading them as I use to be.  Any who, I wish the best for Stuart, and I appreciate him sharing his story.  I think that, in the right hands, it could be a much more powerful book. 

I Do/I Don't

I Do I Don't: Queers on Marriage  Edited by Greg Wharton and Ian Philips
2004
Weight: 1.1 lbs
Method of Disposal: Leaving at Hodge Podge

I picked up this book after the two cases about same-sex marriage were heard by the Supreme Court this year.  I bought it when it first came out, and I was anti-same-sex marriage, but I did not read it because it talked SO MUCH about, ugh/bleck/groan, marriage.  This time, when I picked it up, I was not even feeling just pro-okay-gay-people-should-have-the-right-even-though-it-is-a-dumb-idea thoughts but even thoughts that, MAYBE, I would like to be married one day.

I read boring essays, great ones, semi-amusing ones, ambivalent ones, and even one highly offensive one comparing gays wanting to be married to "Jews praying for Zyklon B," among other truly fucked up, non-comparable things.  A couple hundred pages in I never wanted to hear the words "same-sex" "gay marriage" or "civil union" ever again.  I was glad I stuck it out though because I read a unique and unexpectedly insightful piece by Sarah Silverman that made me respect her a lot more than I had previously, and it helped me look at some things differently.

In the end, I still recognize that the history of "marriage" is fraught with problematic and oppressive issues, that it is frequently a union that people get into for all the wrong reasons, and that it should not be the number one issue of the gay rights movement.  I also think that, MAYBE, I might like the option of making the decision for myself one day.

The Geography Club

Geography Club by Brent Hartinger
2003
Weight: 6 oz.
Method of Disposal: Do want to read it? Otherwise, I am not sure.



This book was not exceptional, though it was amusing. It was one of my gay/lesbian finds I got so excited about in my Barnes and Noble employment days. I had wanted there to be more gay/lesbian young adult reading when I was the age that genre is geared towards, and I couldn’t find it. Then, as a college student, it slowly started popping up. I was excited to find Geography Club, and I took it home that night.

My then-girlfriend and I read it aloud to each other in bed. The writing wasn’t great, the character development left a lot to be desired, and stereotypes ran rampant, but we had so much fun with it. We would be laughing out loud when it got too absurd, and then we would toss it aside for the next night. I cannot tell you now that if I read it again I would feel anything. I don’t know what would happen. It is possible that all my positive feelings towards this book are actually positive feelings towards that moment in my life, in that bed, in that apartment, with that girl.

I Will Always Think of MC Paul When I Hear "Sigourney Weaver"

Prayers for Bobby by Leroy Aarons
1996
Weight: 3 oz
Method of Disposal: I am going to leave it somewhere in the Metro-Atlanta area unless anyone out there wants it. UPDATE: Sending to Jenn C.





I read Prayers for Bobby a long time ago, way before it ever became a Lifetime movie starring Sigourney Weaver. At least, it seems like a long time ago. I was a totally different person in 1996—a much younger person who had just realized that she was into women but had no idea how queer-fabulous she really was. At that time, I loved this book. It broke my heart and made me stronger at the same time (I use clichés because my feelings at the time were trite and overdone). I needed this book in order to understand the kids at school, my upbringing, what I would eventually go through at the hands of strangers. Bobby had a very different life than I did, but there were some small, important connections.

I wanted my father to read it, my mother, my friends, everyone. I gave it to my deeply Christian friend, Jacque, and told her that I would go to Church one time in exchange for her reading it. I really do not remember what happened around that. I am fairly certain I never went to Church with her though I had been many times in the past and would go again. I want to say she read the book, but I am not certain. I have it now so if she did borrow it she did not neglect to return it. We still talk, and she is still a Christian woman, and I am still a queer woman. The book came up one last time in some letters we wrote to each other during college about a boy who attended her Presbyterian (?) School.

The book is wrinkled, bent, used. There are just a few markings in it. I read the passages that are highlighted and cannot fathom what it was about those particular sections that made me feel so bold. I do know, even now, that this was an important, sad, and redeeming book about a mother who suffers greatly after the death of her son. She realizes that all the help she had tried to offer him in life was actually detrimental, painful, and tormenting to Bobby. I cannot imagine what it would feel like to realize that after someone you love commits suicide. I am glad she went on to be an advocate, and I hope she is able to find some peace. After all this time, I still recommend reading this book. I think I will even give in and watch the Lifetime movie. I hear Weaver won a Golden Globe when it was all said and done.