Affairs of the Heart

Affairs of the Heart: Men and Women Reveal the Truth about Extramarital Affairs
Interviews by Virginia Lee
1993
Weight:8.8 oz
Method of Disposal: Leaving in a lending library

I got this book for the "special value" of $1.00--the sale sticker seems to say it was in Spring of 2005.  At that time I was very pro-polyamory and distrusted marriage, despite being a serial monogamist most of the time.  I still feel strongly that polyamory can be a great thing for many people, but I am obviously not at all anti-marriage.  I am quite happily married and, if I ever think of the end of my marriage, it is to worry about the horror of one of us passing away before the other.  This happens when I talk to my neighbor whose wife died 18 months ago or if I watch a sad movie.

This book really just feels like an anthology of people proclaiming that polyamory is better or more natural than monogamy, with just a few exceptions, and less like a genuine look at a random sample of people who had affairs.  The interviewer asks some very leading questions.  On page 153, "So many women do not feel whole unless they are with a man and will tolerate incredible abuse just for that security.  Them if they fail in such a relationship, they think there is something wrong with them.  Would you say that this is why you meet so many unhappy women?"On page 85, "When did you begin to feel that marriage was not the fairy tale you had been raised to believe in?"  On page 151, "It all comes down to forgiveness, which often reduces the 'unfaithful' one to the status of a whimpering puppy.  Don't you think that it creates more anger, resentment, and humiliation--especially if the person who had the affair doesn't feel that there was anything wrong with what he or she did?" pg 150, "Some people believe that having an affair can be a healthy thing, it can revive a relationship that has gotten stuck in its patterns, or it can fulfill one partner whose needs haven't been met.  Often loving a new person can open the door and let the light in.  An affair can rekindle some joy, spontaneity, and passion in life.  An often, there's more energy to take home to the other partner, if he or she can be open enough to accept it.  Do you think such a scenario is possible?"

I guess I was hoping that this would just be a random sample of people who all had different or unique stories or just different thoughts about their stories.  I felt like this was promotional material for affairs at worst and just annoying at best.  The interviewees took little to no responsibility for their own actions, frequently whining about and blaming their spouses.  I found most of them to be obnoxious and unpleasant.  Consent.  Consent makes all the difference always.  Polyamory is good when all parties have respect for each other, have open communication, and consent.  An affair by default has none of those things.

Don't get me wrong.  I think there are good people that have affairs for a variety of complicated reasons.  I just do not think this book really gave voice to that or helped anyone have a more clear understanding of that.  I just think there was too much bias.

Unexpected Pleasures

Unexpected Pleasures: Leaving Heterosexuality for a Lesbian Life  by Tamsin Wilton
2002
Weight: 1.2 lbs
Method of Disposal: Leaving in Decatur, GA

This book was given to me by a woman who chose to leave heterosexuality behind while in college.  She was very vocal about it being her choice, which I thought/think was/is great.  There is some discussion about sexuality as choice in this book, which makes me happy.  It is not just nature vs nurture.  In case you were wondering, I think it is nature, nurture, and/or choice that makes someone's sexuality.  I think everyone has their unique mix up.  I believe I have always felt more intimate and bonded with women and that there is, possibly, a biological, hormonal, genetic cause.  I also know that if given the choice to be heterosexual I would say hell no.  I love loving women.  And, as I got older, I realized that if I felt compelled to I could choose to have sex with men, but I also knew I would never want a relationship with one.  I have never felt a strong bond with a man, with the exception of my high school best friend, Chris, and I was never sexually attracted to him.  I also just don't think I could deal with the outcome of male socialization.  I have no interest in a power struggle or a lack of communication/emotion.  I am aware that there are millions of sensitive, caring, feminist men out there that would probably make wonderful partners, but I do not want to sift through them all when I know I prefer women up front.  I would rather try to find a wonderfully sensitive, feminist woman.  And, while I was a lesbian long before my sexual assault, I do think that being raped will forever inhibit and decrease any interest I might have in being intimate with a man. 

That being said, I am frequently attracted to women whose sexuality is less defined and more fluid.  It is an incredibly sexy quality to have.  There is a certain courage and acceptance that seems to go along with it but, more importantly, I feel like these women have less rigid rules and unfortunate judgements/stereotypes about other women (and men),as a whole.  It is unfortunate that the lesbian community can be so naively dismissive and unaccepting of women with what might seem to them to be a less clear cut, defined sexuality.  I feel like it is getting better with the younger generation, but I still see it affecting women's lives in strong ways.  I was glad that this was discussed in this book.

Unexpected Pleasures is kind of like an intro too and a self-help book for women coming out as lesbians later in life.  I wish it had been slightly more fluid, but the woman who wrote it was a researcher and so I understand she had to narrow her focus.  I would like to read a similar book that included lesbian women who have come out as heterosexual later in life and lot more women who did not identify as one way or another.  There were some components like lesbian sex being better than heterosexual sex as a whole that rubbed me the wrong way, and I had so much I wanted to put forth to argue my points.  We do not have to tear down one to enjoy another.

Overall, though, it was a good introductory, supportive, positive book, and it relied heavily on actual interviews with women, which I appreciated.  I also liked the sources offered in the back of the book. The book was written based on British women's experiences and so the sources were geared to them too, though the author had a few US sources as well.