Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life

 Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life by Amy Krouse Rosenthal

2005

Weight : 12 oz

Method of Disposal: Giving Away

`

I did not know Amy, but I think she might have appreciated how I came to discover her.  The universe just fell into place.  I do wish I had found this book in 2005 because I know I would have loved it and would have loved engaging with Amy, hoping to be one of the first one hundred she had encouraged to write her in the book.  

As it were, it was just this year that I was in Oregon and looked in the window of a closed bookshop and saw My Wife Said You May Want to Marry Me by Jason Rosenthal, amongst some other books I thought looked interesting.  I made a mental note to look it up later and, when I did, I read about Amy's Op-Ed, which I vaguely remembered peripherally but had never read.  Later, the book came up as an audiobook I might be interested in and, needing something to listen to, I purchased and downloaded it.  While cleaning out dog kennels, I listened to a husband tell us why his wife was so fun, loving, and full of life.  My heart could not handle the thought of losing Harriet and so I felt immediately connected to this man in this way, as many people do, I know.  He talked about a woman that loved family, letters and words, what might appear to be coincidence.  Immediately following, I looked into her children's books and booked an ultrasound to see what the cysts on my ovaries were doing.  I was way overdue, and I thought this book was potentially a sign to take another look.  As of now, I was lucky.  Everything was fine.  All the cysts were there, but no one was yet causing a problem, and I was grateful to have had that extra push to look, to be so careful.  

Later, Sleater Kinney came to Atlanta with Wilco.  Their show had been postponed due to Covid and was finally happening, outdoors, with vaccination or negative Covid test required.  I was there for Sleater Kinney/  I had no idea who Wilco was, but I knew that Amy and her husband had loved them.  I had just read his book!  So, when they started to play, I thought of this stranger I never knew and tried to imagine what she would have been like.

A couple months later, I was having knee surgery, and my friend surprised me with a box of books.  Some that were her favorites, some she was currently reading, others that her late sister had loved.  I was so excited and so grateful.  She pointed out Enyclopedia of an Ordinary Life and said it was one of her favorites.  I started there and, as I read, I started to feel like I recognized the author.  I did, of course.  It was Amy again.  Her book breathed life into the the image of her I had been given.  Her love of word play and letters made even more sense.  Her optimism and approach to life soaked through each page.  At times I felt like I was just like her.  At other times, I thought my friend was just like her.  And, still at other times and far fewer, I could not relate at all.  I enjoyed getting to know her via this "encyclopedia!"  When she wrote it, she did not know when or how she would die.  She says so herself several times.  It was painful in those moments.  

Still, how wonderful to have put your impact on the world in so many ways. That even a total stranger could look around and see these beautiful parts of Amy sprinkled around.  Not falling all at once like an avalanche but slowly, peacefully, landing here and there, touching different people.  I am so sorry her family had to say goodbye to someone they clearly loved so much.  I am grateful that she and they shared her legacy.

Premarital Counseling for Gays and Lesbians

 Premarital Counseling for Gays and Lesbians: Case Studies and Helpful Questions by Pamela Milam, LPC
2012
Weight: 5 oz
Method of Disposal: Donating

This seems like a great place to start for anyone in a serious relationship if they are looking to get married, be together for a long time unmarried, move in together.  It is small, easy to read, and just simple good, advice.  It is inclusive of polyamorous relationships.  Unfortunately, it no longer seems to be readily available many places.  I would love to get this book to someone that needs it or wants it.  If you have any suggestions in the near future or would like me to mail it to you, let me know!

Affairs of the Heart

Affairs of the Heart: Men and Women Reveal the Truth about Extramarital Affairs
Interviews by Virginia Lee
1993
Weight:8.8 oz
Method of Disposal: Leaving in a lending library

I got this book for the "special value" of $1.00--the sale sticker seems to say it was in Spring of 2005.  At that time I was very pro-polyamory and distrusted marriage, despite being a serial monogamist most of the time.  I still feel strongly that polyamory can be a great thing for many people, but I am obviously not at all anti-marriage.  I am quite happily married and, if I ever think of the end of my marriage, it is to worry about the horror of one of us passing away before the other.  This happens when I talk to my neighbor whose wife died 18 months ago or if I watch a sad movie.

This book really just feels like an anthology of people proclaiming that polyamory is better or more natural than monogamy, with just a few exceptions, and less like a genuine look at a random sample of people who had affairs.  The interviewer asks some very leading questions.  On page 153, "So many women do not feel whole unless they are with a man and will tolerate incredible abuse just for that security.  Them if they fail in such a relationship, they think there is something wrong with them.  Would you say that this is why you meet so many unhappy women?"On page 85, "When did you begin to feel that marriage was not the fairy tale you had been raised to believe in?"  On page 151, "It all comes down to forgiveness, which often reduces the 'unfaithful' one to the status of a whimpering puppy.  Don't you think that it creates more anger, resentment, and humiliation--especially if the person who had the affair doesn't feel that there was anything wrong with what he or she did?" pg 150, "Some people believe that having an affair can be a healthy thing, it can revive a relationship that has gotten stuck in its patterns, or it can fulfill one partner whose needs haven't been met.  Often loving a new person can open the door and let the light in.  An affair can rekindle some joy, spontaneity, and passion in life.  An often, there's more energy to take home to the other partner, if he or she can be open enough to accept it.  Do you think such a scenario is possible?"

I guess I was hoping that this would just be a random sample of people who all had different or unique stories or just different thoughts about their stories.  I felt like this was promotional material for affairs at worst and just annoying at best.  The interviewees took little to no responsibility for their own actions, frequently whining about and blaming their spouses.  I found most of them to be obnoxious and unpleasant.  Consent.  Consent makes all the difference always.  Polyamory is good when all parties have respect for each other, have open communication, and consent.  An affair by default has none of those things.

Don't get me wrong.  I think there are good people that have affairs for a variety of complicated reasons.  I just do not think this book really gave voice to that or helped anyone have a more clear understanding of that.  I just think there was too much bias.

Sushi

Sushi by Ryuichi Yoshii
1999
Weight: 1 lb
Method of Disposal: Donating

This has lived in the land of misguided Christmas presents for years.  My partner likely doesn't want to hurt my feelings, and yet the book has never been used.  Today, she admitted if she made sushi she would likely never want to eat it again.  We cannot have that so it is off to Goodwill!

Sylvia

Sylvia by A. R. Gurney
1996
Weight: 1.6 oz
Method of Disposal: Donating

I am at home sick as hell, and I have been for days with no clear end in sight.  I have been reading book after book because it is all I can do other than sleep, take baths, and throw up.  I am hoping to read and donate as many as possible because it is my only way of being even vaguely useful for our upcoming move to...where?  I have no idea.  I just know I need a place by February, and it needs to be very dog friendly--pit bull friendly in particular, and I am freaking out just a little.

This screen play was a weird one for sure!  It read fast and had a dedication to Sarah Jessica Parker who was Sylvia the dog in the first rendition of the play.  I am fairly certain this book was given to me because someone thought it was about Sylvia Plath, which just makes it funnier!  It is a play about two empty nesters in New York City who are having a battle of the wills over a stray dog that the husband brought home.  The stray dog is Sylvia and is played by a human.  It is bizarre.  I'd love to see it live!

Saints and Strangers

Saints and Strangers by Angela Carter
1987
Weight: 3 oz
Method of Disposal: Leaving Somewhere

 

My grandmother gave me this on her 80th birthday in October 2013.  She was surprised that I had not heard of Angela Carter, and almost appalled that Harriet had not, being from England and all.  I just now read it, and I was very impressed.  My mother walked by while we were discussing the book and put in her two cents that it was horrible.  Lovely writing, but the stories would just make you feel terrible.  They were both right, but I loved it.  I was shocked and slightly embarrassed to realize how well-known and respected Angela Carter is.  A quick Google search and you find that Time magazine considered her one of the 50 greatest British writers in 2008.  I am absolutely going to be seeking out her other work.

After finishing her book, I was feeling down and decided to begin working on a realistic long-distance love letter.  Here is the start of it:

I stare at the body under my sheets.  It is blanketed in a thick, dark layer of fur.  A physical reminder of how long you have been gone.  It is dreary and self-important to think of oneself like a tree whose rings announce its age to the world, but I do.  My hair says you have been gone for months, and my general malaise says there is no end in sight. I take the razor slowly and clumsily to my skin.  It does not matter if I get it all or if it looks organized.  I have time.  I secretly hope it will speed things along, but then I realize that you left me at the coldest time of the year, and I have removed my coat for you but you are not here to accept it, and I am cold.

The water is cold.  I dry myself off with a towel, check the fire and miss you.  I get into bed and slide towards the middle.  My dogs’ weight and the age of the mattress creating a rut that is just big enough to be uncomfortable.  I lay on 15 years of dead skin cells collected from ex-lovers, old pets, and dear friends.  If you cut my mattress in half could you map out my life until now?  We could take little tacks and tiny scraps of paper.  Organize it by number.  The single digits being the deepest and driest, and the double digits being more recent and fragrant.

All of this makes me want a cigachantichocolate.  I want chocolate.  Or do I want a cigarette? 21 long days for a 22 year old woman that makes my heart as pretty as my matching shower curtain and the candles that are “just for decoration.”  I never knew that I was supposed to choose them for color over scent.  The things you learn when you trail behind the world’s most beautiful woman with your legs shaved, your panties wet, and your mind focused on reorganizing your life philosophy developed over 28 years.

All this paints a fairly unattractive portrait of what it feels like to love 4,033 miles away from you.

My incredibly sweet grandfather on my father's side always asks if I have written anything lately and wants to read it.  Should I show him this?  And, just to clear things up, I ordered a new mattress immediately after writing this.  I shouldn't even show you this...

I cannot tell you how relieved I was to see it being toted away in a giant plastic bag this afternoon.

A Legal Guide for Lesbian and Gay Couples

A Legal Guide for Lesbian and Gay Couples  by Attorneys Denis Clifford, Frederick Hertz, and Emily Doskow (NOLO)
2007
Weight: 1.2 lbs
Method of Disposal:  I am not sure...should I recycle or donate it?

I am excited to say that this book is dated now.  I think there is still some helpful information so I am still thinking I might donate, but the laws around gay marriage have forever been changed in the United States and so many couples now have access to benefits they could never even dream of.  I love these books though, and I will absolutely buy a 2013 edition if and when it comes out.  They are very well done so that the laws and your options are easy to understand.  Seriously, I really cannot wait to buy an updated edition...even though I know I am not suppose to be purchasing any books...

I could actually really use a NOLO guide for the process I am going through right now or enough money to afford a lawyer!
 

I Do/I Don't

I Do I Don't: Queers on Marriage  Edited by Greg Wharton and Ian Philips
2004
Weight: 1.1 lbs
Method of Disposal: Leaving at Hodge Podge

I picked up this book after the two cases about same-sex marriage were heard by the Supreme Court this year.  I bought it when it first came out, and I was anti-same-sex marriage, but I did not read it because it talked SO MUCH about, ugh/bleck/groan, marriage.  This time, when I picked it up, I was not even feeling just pro-okay-gay-people-should-have-the-right-even-though-it-is-a-dumb-idea thoughts but even thoughts that, MAYBE, I would like to be married one day.

I read boring essays, great ones, semi-amusing ones, ambivalent ones, and even one highly offensive one comparing gays wanting to be married to "Jews praying for Zyklon B," among other truly fucked up, non-comparable things.  A couple hundred pages in I never wanted to hear the words "same-sex" "gay marriage" or "civil union" ever again.  I was glad I stuck it out though because I read a unique and unexpectedly insightful piece by Sarah Silverman that made me respect her a lot more than I had previously, and it helped me look at some things differently.

In the end, I still recognize that the history of "marriage" is fraught with problematic and oppressive issues, that it is frequently a union that people get into for all the wrong reasons, and that it should not be the number one issue of the gay rights movement.  I also think that, MAYBE, I might like the option of making the decision for myself one day.

All About Love

All About Love: New Visions  by Bell Hooks
2001
Weight: 8.8 oz
Method of Disposal: Gave to my friend, Jasmin

I decided to re-read All About Love a few months back.  Bell Hooks is a favorite, for me and many of my feminist peers, but I have not read anything of hers in years.  I will confess that when I first picked this book up, I was under impressed.  It wasn't bad, but I did not feel like I was learning anything, and I thought it was very hetrerosexual-focused.  It all seemed so basic.  My dear friend told me at the time that it would be a good thing if it was.  It was written so that people could understand it.\

I kept reading it.  I was blown away by the last half, and I never wanted to start another relationship without having the other person read it--whether that was a romantic relationship or a purely a platonic one. 

I loved that Hooks did not undermine the value of the love of a friend. 

She writes, "Most of us are raised to believe we will either find love in our first family (our family of origin) or, if not there, in the second family we are expected to form through committed romantic couplings, particularly those that lead to marriage and/or lifelong bondings.  Many of us learn as children that friendship should never be seen as just important as family ties.  However, friendship is the place where a great majority of us have our first glimpse of redemptive love and caring community(134)."

I have always been interested in the love of friends, as I have always found so much of what I need in those relationships and am always caught off-guard when a person I have just started dating cannot understand their role in my life.  I have some very intense, passionate friendships that test the boundaries I was taught about by a couple-focused/family-focused society.

I LOVED reading about community, society, and love.  I dwelled a lot on Capitalism/consumerism being anti-love after reading her section on greed.  She writes,

"Materialism creates a world of narcissism in which the focus of life is solely on acquisition and consumption.  A culture of narcissism is not a place where love can flourish (105)."

If we live in a world where people are harmed by our very purchasing of clothes (sweatshops), coffee (how much are the grower's being paid/are rainforests being cut down), our mardi gras beads (sweatshops), the soda we drink (worker's rights/labor unions), on and on, then how will we find a true way to love and connect with others?  If money and instant gratification are the goals then how will we learn the patience and dedication needed to maintain our self-care and our love of others?

Everyone I know has a lot to learn about self-love, myself included.  Hooks is being open and honest with us when she says, "One of the best guides to how to be self-loving is to give ourselves the love we are often dreaming of receiving from others.  There was a time when I felt lousy about my over-forty body, saw myself as too fat, too this, or too that.  Yet I fantasized about finding a lover who would give me the gift of being loved as I am.  It is silly, isn't it, that I would dream of someone else offering me the acceptance and affirmation I was withholding from myself (67-68)."

She writes, "The confusion arises because most people who think they are not lovable have this perception because at some point in their lives they were socialized to see themselves as unlovable by forces outside their control.  We are not born knowing how to love anyone, either ourselves or someone else.  However, we are born able to respond to care (53)."

At the very start of the book, she talks about how it is not useful to see love as something you cannot define or describe, something that just happens to you.  You know it when you feel it and all that nonsense.  She argues that, "When we intervene on mystifying assumptions that love cannot be defined by offering workable, useful definitions, we are already creating a context where love can begin to flourish (13)."

I want love to flourish, in all avenues of my life, in my friend's lives, and in the lives of those I will never meet.

Okay, I will leave you with that.  You should read the book.