On Our Backs Guide to Lesbian Sex

 On Our Backs Guide to Lesbian Sex edited by Diana Cage
2004
Weight: 1.12 lbs
Method of Disposal: Who knows?  Seriously, who knows what I can do?

I never know how to rehome sex books.  All the guides, erotica, and photography.  There are so many great books I am sure someone out there would devour, but I never know how to get them from Point A to Point B.  I do not want to sell them, and I do not want them to get thrown out if I donate them.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  I have recently discovered that in the UK you can recycle your sex toys.  It is a money losing proposition and yet Lovehoney will do it.  Amazing.  

This particular sex guide is good in that it covers a lot of ground.  It takes you from cunnilingus, to fisting, to strap ons, to needles, to fire, to being fat and sexy, to being disabled and enjoying sex, to pornography, to tribadism.  All sorts.  You will get a good basic definition, some first hand accounts, some reminders about consent, and some photos.  For some people, the book seems to be too blunt and outspoken, but that is what Off Your Backs was for.  It pushed the borders of normal and celebrated the erotic without being curbed by the societal pressure to hold back.

That being said, if you are not a beginner and have not shied away from the risqué, there is not much here to learn at this point.  Or maybe, I have just oversaturated myself with sex, bdsm, kink information over the years.  This book is now over a decade old, and it shows in some areas.  The parts about online dating and the pornography recommendations are just two areas I can think of.  I also think, if done now, there would be even more about consent, safe words, gender fluidity, more sexualities represented...just more.

I will always appreciate Off Our Backs and this book still has an audience.  Hopefully, this book will find a new home and not end up in the landfill.  Someone that can handle profanity and diverse sexual desires.  Rest assured, it is your grandparent's, and possibly your parent's, worst nightmare.

Prayer Warriors

Prayer Warriors: The True Story of a Gay Son, his Fundamentalist Christian Family, and their Battle for his Soul by Stuart Howell Miller
2000
Weight: 8.8 oz
Method of Disposal: Lending Library

This book was an easy and quick read though, of course, it is never "easy" to stomach the homophobia and cruelty put forth by someone's family to their own son.  It was easy only in that it was very conversational, was made up of basic language, was fairly short.  The author would randomly throw out a joke with his audience that would pull me out of the story very suddenly, and I would actually say out loud, "what?" and then reread the sentence to be sure it was there.  These little snippets were usually overtly "gay" and felt unnecessary. Of course, Stuart's family often came out with the more seriously off the wall shit.  Here is an exchange where both of them do from page 144:

"Troy retold the story of how an electric fence nearly killed my sister when she was a child and then said, "The lifestyle you have chosen is more dangerous than death by electric shocking.  God loves you Stuart.  Please do not spit in his face with this homosexual lifestyle you have chosen for yourself.' 

I immediately ran outside and searched for a pretty girl to marry, but the closest I could find in West Hollywood was a drunken, gravel-voiced drag queen. 'I don't want to marry,' she said, 'I like my freedom.'"

What?

The author was clearly very involved in the L.A. Community and has a very impressive resume.  I had hoped that would make it easier to find out how he was doing 18 years later.  I do not really need another book, though this one was a basically good read, but I would love an article about if his family ever came around, and/or if he managed to hold up okay. 

I also think this book would have been more powerful to me had I read it when it was first published.  So much has changed since then--not to say these things still do not happen--because they do, but I had less access to information and community then.  A lot of us did.  I was more isolated, though I was not completely alone like some folks in generations before me, and I would have held this account more closely.  At 32, I have read many many stories about white, gay men struggling with conservative christian families.  I have also, of course, read many more violent coming out stories.  Maybe that is the larger thing here, I have read and heard thousands of coming out stories and, while I know they are important, I am not as keen on seeking them out and reading them as I use to be.  Any who, I wish the best for Stuart, and I appreciate him sharing his story.  I think that, in the right hands, it could be a much more powerful book. 

Saints and Strangers

Saints and Strangers by Angela Carter
1987
Weight: 3 oz
Method of Disposal: Leaving Somewhere

 

My grandmother gave me this on her 80th birthday in October 2013.  She was surprised that I had not heard of Angela Carter, and almost appalled that Harriet had not, being from England and all.  I just now read it, and I was very impressed.  My mother walked by while we were discussing the book and put in her two cents that it was horrible.  Lovely writing, but the stories would just make you feel terrible.  They were both right, but I loved it.  I was shocked and slightly embarrassed to realize how well-known and respected Angela Carter is.  A quick Google search and you find that Time magazine considered her one of the 50 greatest British writers in 2008.  I am absolutely going to be seeking out her other work.

After finishing her book, I was feeling down and decided to begin working on a realistic long-distance love letter.  Here is the start of it:

I stare at the body under my sheets.  It is blanketed in a thick, dark layer of fur.  A physical reminder of how long you have been gone.  It is dreary and self-important to think of oneself like a tree whose rings announce its age to the world, but I do.  My hair says you have been gone for months, and my general malaise says there is no end in sight. I take the razor slowly and clumsily to my skin.  It does not matter if I get it all or if it looks organized.  I have time.  I secretly hope it will speed things along, but then I realize that you left me at the coldest time of the year, and I have removed my coat for you but you are not here to accept it, and I am cold.

The water is cold.  I dry myself off with a towel, check the fire and miss you.  I get into bed and slide towards the middle.  My dogs’ weight and the age of the mattress creating a rut that is just big enough to be uncomfortable.  I lay on 15 years of dead skin cells collected from ex-lovers, old pets, and dear friends.  If you cut my mattress in half could you map out my life until now?  We could take little tacks and tiny scraps of paper.  Organize it by number.  The single digits being the deepest and driest, and the double digits being more recent and fragrant.

All of this makes me want a cigachantichocolate.  I want chocolate.  Or do I want a cigarette? 21 long days for a 22 year old woman that makes my heart as pretty as my matching shower curtain and the candles that are “just for decoration.”  I never knew that I was supposed to choose them for color over scent.  The things you learn when you trail behind the world’s most beautiful woman with your legs shaved, your panties wet, and your mind focused on reorganizing your life philosophy developed over 28 years.

All this paints a fairly unattractive portrait of what it feels like to love 4,033 miles away from you.

My incredibly sweet grandfather on my father's side always asks if I have written anything lately and wants to read it.  Should I show him this?  And, just to clear things up, I ordered a new mattress immediately after writing this.  I shouldn't even show you this...

I cannot tell you how relieved I was to see it being toted away in a giant plastic bag this afternoon.

The Homo Handbook

The Homo Handbook: Getting in Touch with Your Inner Homo: A Survival Guide for Lesbians and Gay Men  by Judy Carter
1996
Weight: 1 lb

This is a humor book that I am completely, and I am completely unsure how I came to be the owner of it.  A lot of it makes more sense in the 90's when it was published, but there are still some things that are so applicable it will make you laugh out loud.  Those moments are unexpected but nice.

 I read this book in the perfect way though.  I really do not think there is a better way than my way.  I had just started dating the woman I love, and she was in her first lesbian relationship.  She picked the book off the shelf and got into bed with me.  She might have shown more interest in this book than any other one I have seen her encounter before or sense.  We read it together and laughed and talked about stereotypes and truths and relationships and lesbians.  We actually were able to have a lot of serious conversations while flipping through this decidedly not serious little book, and we had a lot of fun doing it.  Who knew it would be so helpful?
 

Unexpected Pleasures

Unexpected Pleasures: Leaving Heterosexuality for a Lesbian Life  by Tamsin Wilton
2002
Weight: 1.2 lbs
Method of Disposal: Leaving in Decatur, GA

This book was given to me by a woman who chose to leave heterosexuality behind while in college.  She was very vocal about it being her choice, which I thought/think was/is great.  There is some discussion about sexuality as choice in this book, which makes me happy.  It is not just nature vs nurture.  In case you were wondering, I think it is nature, nurture, and/or choice that makes someone's sexuality.  I think everyone has their unique mix up.  I believe I have always felt more intimate and bonded with women and that there is, possibly, a biological, hormonal, genetic cause.  I also know that if given the choice to be heterosexual I would say hell no.  I love loving women.  And, as I got older, I realized that if I felt compelled to I could choose to have sex with men, but I also knew I would never want a relationship with one.  I have never felt a strong bond with a man, with the exception of my high school best friend, Chris, and I was never sexually attracted to him.  I also just don't think I could deal with the outcome of male socialization.  I have no interest in a power struggle or a lack of communication/emotion.  I am aware that there are millions of sensitive, caring, feminist men out there that would probably make wonderful partners, but I do not want to sift through them all when I know I prefer women up front.  I would rather try to find a wonderfully sensitive, feminist woman.  And, while I was a lesbian long before my sexual assault, I do think that being raped will forever inhibit and decrease any interest I might have in being intimate with a man. 

That being said, I am frequently attracted to women whose sexuality is less defined and more fluid.  It is an incredibly sexy quality to have.  There is a certain courage and acceptance that seems to go along with it but, more importantly, I feel like these women have less rigid rules and unfortunate judgements/stereotypes about other women (and men),as a whole.  It is unfortunate that the lesbian community can be so naively dismissive and unaccepting of women with what might seem to them to be a less clear cut, defined sexuality.  I feel like it is getting better with the younger generation, but I still see it affecting women's lives in strong ways.  I was glad that this was discussed in this book.

Unexpected Pleasures is kind of like an intro too and a self-help book for women coming out as lesbians later in life.  I wish it had been slightly more fluid, but the woman who wrote it was a researcher and so I understand she had to narrow her focus.  I would like to read a similar book that included lesbian women who have come out as heterosexual later in life and lot more women who did not identify as one way or another.  There were some components like lesbian sex being better than heterosexual sex as a whole that rubbed me the wrong way, and I had so much I wanted to put forth to argue my points.  We do not have to tear down one to enjoy another.

Overall, though, it was a good introductory, supportive, positive book, and it relied heavily on actual interviews with women, which I appreciated.  I also liked the sources offered in the back of the book. The book was written based on British women's experiences and so the sources were geared to them too, though the author had a few US sources as well.

I Do/I Don't

I Do I Don't: Queers on Marriage  Edited by Greg Wharton and Ian Philips
2004
Weight: 1.1 lbs
Method of Disposal: Leaving at Hodge Podge

I picked up this book after the two cases about same-sex marriage were heard by the Supreme Court this year.  I bought it when it first came out, and I was anti-same-sex marriage, but I did not read it because it talked SO MUCH about, ugh/bleck/groan, marriage.  This time, when I picked it up, I was not even feeling just pro-okay-gay-people-should-have-the-right-even-though-it-is-a-dumb-idea thoughts but even thoughts that, MAYBE, I would like to be married one day.

I read boring essays, great ones, semi-amusing ones, ambivalent ones, and even one highly offensive one comparing gays wanting to be married to "Jews praying for Zyklon B," among other truly fucked up, non-comparable things.  A couple hundred pages in I never wanted to hear the words "same-sex" "gay marriage" or "civil union" ever again.  I was glad I stuck it out though because I read a unique and unexpectedly insightful piece by Sarah Silverman that made me respect her a lot more than I had previously, and it helped me look at some things differently.

In the end, I still recognize that the history of "marriage" is fraught with problematic and oppressive issues, that it is frequently a union that people get into for all the wrong reasons, and that it should not be the number one issue of the gay rights movement.  I also think that, MAYBE, I might like the option of making the decision for myself one day.

Geography Club

Geography Club by Brent Hartinger
2004
Weight: 6.4 oz
Method of Disposal: Leaving at Joe's in EAV

I love young adult fiction, as you may know by now if you have read some of my other posts.  There is something that gets me even more wound up within the genre than your average story.  I get SO EXCITED to see new LGBTQI young adult fiction!  When I worked at the bookstore, I use to LOVE going through and scanning the young adult section to see what should be sent back to the publisher and what should stay.  I would be in a bad mood all week if someone got to it before me.  I liked being in control because I would, shamelessly, leave the gay/lesbian titles on the shelves longer than they were suppose to be and I could see all the new ones that came out.  I was allowed to "check out" the newer titles and would buy the cheap paperbacks.

Today has been a particularly emotional and important day to me and to many of my friends.  It has also been difficult because we know that, while the Supreme Court is finally dealing with same-sex marriage, we will not hear any decisions for some time, and we have no idea what will be decided.  The wait, hearing the anti-gay folks speak out so publically, watching our support groups grow more tight knit---it leaves one with a lot of emotions.  Here's to finding strength in each other!


 

My Heartbeat

My Heartbeart  by Garret Freymann-Weyr

2002

Weight: 11.2 oz

Method of Disposal: Donating or Giving away

It is probably fairly obvious by now why this book made it to my shelves.  It is 1) a young adult book and 2) a book that deals with queer issues—or at least an affluent, gay, male teenager.  I was impressed that the book made it into the bookstores and that it won several awards, but I felt neither here nor there about it.

A teenage girl loves hanging out with her brother, Link, and his bestfriend, James.  Then, someone at school asserts that her brother is gay and things start to spiral past her understanding.  I do like that this book does not follow typical themes.  The mother is open and knowledgeable.  It is the sibling relationship that falters.  There are not over-exaggerated theatrics or unnecessary acts of violence.  Sexuality is not completely binary and stagnant.  I don’t know.  Let me know if you want to check it out, and it is yours free.  I would love it if you told me what you thought.

Queer (not so?) Fabulous

From the Inside Out: Radical Gender Transformation, FTM and Beyond edited by Morty Diamond
2004
Weight: 6.4 oz.
Method of Disposal: Giving away to my friend, Tracy H.



I recently had a conversation about the use of the word queer (amongst other things) with a good friend over cold beer. We had different experiences and feelings surrounding the word. This book does not really define, explain, or defend the word though almost everyone in the book self-identifies as “queer.” It is a book about and by transgendered people, monster trans people, genderqueer people, and so many others. I have re-read it and am passing it on in hopes that it will help in the quest for understanding, community, and revolution that is so desperately sought by so many people struggling with what identity may or may not mean to THE movement.

It is not my favorite book about “radical gender transformation”, but it has its moments. It is one in a list of many that I will be re-reading and then passing on.

In this collection, I particularly like “Father and Son” by Mykkah Herner and was happy that I was inheriting some of my father’s shorts while I was reading about his father-son bonding moment, receiving hand-me-downs in the form of suits, shirts, and pants. I was also a big fan of “Dear Breasts” by Storm Florez and “If I Should Die Before I wake…Don’t Let Me 9/26-11/4/02 For Brotha Bear” by Imani Henry.

If you have read this book or when you read this book—let me know what you think.

"I Want to Be the Girl Your Parents Will Use as a Bad Example of a Lady."

The Other Side of Paradise by Staceyann Chin
2009
Weight: 8 oz
Method of Disposal: Putting aside to give to my mom when she gets back from Taiwan



The first and the last time I saw Staceyann Chin perform her spoken-word was while I was attending Agnes Scott College. I went down to The Hub with my then-girlfriend to see Doria Roberts, and Staceyann was opening for her. She made the night and hung the moon. She was amazing. It was my first year of college, and I have never forgotten her. I have tried to go to other spoken-word shows in hopes that I would find someone that I enjoyed to the same degree but with no luck. I was very excited when I heard she was coming out with a memoir sometime in 2009.

I was not disappointed. She writes about growing up in Jamaica, moving from place to place. Person to person. Her strength twists throughout the book into a tight and even tighter story of courage, struggle, and passion. Beautiful. Really. I cannot say enough positive about it. I remember when I finished reading the last page. I fell back onto my bed and let it all sink in. Soon, I thought about my mom in Taiwan and immediately wanted to ship it to her. I still haven’t. So this one is for her. This one will stand in your mind with Dorothy Allison. I miss you!