My Autistic Dog

America at War by Dan Rather and the Reporters of CBS News 2003 19 oz 

Captive in Iran: A Remarkable True Story of Hope and Triumph Amid the Horror of Tehran's Brutal Evin Prison by Maryam Rostampour 2013 18 oz

The Iraq War: As Witnessed by the Correspondents and Photographers of United Press International 2003 18 oz

Jihad: The Rise of Militant Islam in Central Asia by Ahmed Rashid 2002 8oz

Total: 63 oz

Method of Disposal: Dog Shredding Them in Preparation of Recycling

Wisconsin was born to a high-strung, energetic, and stubborn young pit bull that we named Georgia, on August 19, 2015.  He was part of a large litter who was temporarily fostered by a shelter employee before coming back to the shelter to be adopted.  Soon, all but three puppies found homes.  The only ones left were the black and white ones, Wisconsin, Nevada, and Dakota.  They grew up at the shelter, became bow legged, fought off mange, and became extremely mouthy.  Volunteers grew scared of them.  Harriet and I took them all home when they hit about 10 months old, to run free with our young pup, Whiskey, until we could find them a family.

Dakota went into foster and was adopted first.  Then, Nevada was adopted.  Finally, Wisconsin went home.  They were great, but they were energetic and clumsy babies.  We were glad for some peace.  Almost one year later, Wisconsin was returned with dark, purple bruising all over him.  He had restraint marks on his wrists and bruising on his chest.  I called Harriet crying, and she let me bring Wisconsin back home.  He proceeded to act more and more strange and, ultimately, it was suggested he might have rabies.  We took him to the emergency room where it was discovered he had a foreign body.  I got a phone call from the doctor who saved him, and she was quite cagey with me.  It did not take long to realize it was because she was trying to determine if I abused the poor boy.

He had been gone 9 months, and he came back completely changed.  He is such a sweet and sleepy guy most of the time, but he is ultra sensitive to sounds, lights, changing environments, activity, and he cannot control himself when he is around water.  Show him a lake, and he will try to drown, biting onto roots at the very bottom and refusing to let go.  Turn on a hose or a blender, and his eyes will change, and he will bite you.  It is hard to explain, but it is not like your typical aggression.  He is just frantic and grabbing everything within reach and, if you are within reach, he cannot distinguish what is what.

After he bit me for using a hose one day, we realized we could not adopt him out.  We understood his triggers.  We knew he needed a routine.  We knew he had to bing the clips on the side of the grill every single time he went outside before he could go into the yard to go to the bathroom.  Who else would have the patience to learn him?  We adopted him.  He was seen by a veterinary behaviorist who said, we do not label dogs as autistic yet, but, if we did, he would be labeled autistic.  We had to keep his toys to a minimum, decrease his excitement, medicate him, and find the right balance of alone time and together time.  It has been a roller coaster, albeit absolutely worth it.

In the last month, we've had a family living with us that lost their home to a fire, and we have loved having them here.  It has changed the routine a bit, and he struggles with toddler bath time.  We've had quite a few casualties.  For a minute there, I was trying to decide if he was extremely interested in the Middle East or just flat out disdainful.  He pulled the above books from various shelves and destroyed them all, on different days.  Given, he took out a printer, paper shredder, garbage can, office chair, an old portrait of my great grandparents, and quite a few original paintings and prints that were hung on the wall.  So...maybe not.

He has an Impact crate, but it is too large to fit in his room.  We ordered him a smaller one--they are not cheap, by the by, at around $1500, but he loves them.  If you leave his crate door open, he will go in there and go to sleep.  He loves being by himself in his room or in his crate.  Just as long as you do not shut the door when something scary is happening--like a blender, vacuum cleaner, FEDEX driver, dogs on tv, headlights bouncing off the walls, on and on and on.  

He has black out curtains, Impact crates, Prozac, Clonidine, Selieo (as needed), Thundershirts, ear muffs.  I have never met a dog like him, and I have worked at a dog and cat shelter for 15 years.  He is a magical beast and highly unusual, but we love him.  Normally.  Right now, I am watching him eat my library book by book so it is a little hard, but I know I will always love him underneath all that frustration.  We all have our limits and our baggage.

 

Journals

 Journals by Kurt Cobain

2003

Weight: 1.7 lbs

Method of Disposal: Recycling what I can and throwing away the rest

My neurotic dog grows more unstable every time life changes in any capacity.  The joyful sounds of a toddler taking a bath wreak havoc on his pea brain.  Once he has sunk his teeth into something he cannot forget it.  He fixates for life.  We went from steel/metal/water from his shelter life to plastic (waste baskets, printers, paper shredders) to paintings to books.  In the last week, I have lost 5 books, including Kurt Cobain's journals.  Broken minds are drawn to each other, I guess.

Before recycling what I can and trashing the rest, I have been rereading each book through the tears and teeth marks.  In the case of this book, Neuro-Dog ingested Kurt's letter to his dad, which I would have really liked to look at, and the rest was just torn up and scattered.  

The journals brought me back to being a teenager and were insightful.  It was fun to see him forming songs, the band name, connections, knowing what they would become, but it was (of course) sad too.  Knowing what happens next.  I sort of think he would have appreciated Wisconsin chewing up his personal musings and shitting them out.  I really do.  So, I guess this was an appropriate way to dispatch this book, though I was very frustrated at the time.

The Berenstain Bears: Trick or Treat

 The Berenstain Bears: Trick or Treat by Stan and Jan Berenstain

1989

Weight: 3.5 oz

Method of Disposal: Donated

I can only begin to describe my childhood love for the Berenstain Bears, and my two favorite books, which I have held onto all of this time.  Trick or Treat and No Girls Allowed.  I have always loved Halloween, dressing up in costumes, animals.  It is no stretch that I would be in love with tiny bears, wearing clothes, and performing childlike dramas.  The illustrations were the best part, but each book has a lesson, of course.  I am confident the Berenstain Bears helped me develop my empathy and my love for reading.  

Halloween is upon us, y'all.  I am struggling to decide what costumes Harriet and I will be wearing this year!  It's the most wonderful time of the year...

A World Without Bees

 A World Without Bees by Allison Benjamin and Brian McCallum

2010

Weight: 10 oz

Method of Disposal: Donating

The trajectory of pollinators, one of the more frightening futures to contemplate.  The critters themselves are always fascinating.  The first chapter or two of this book gives you the fun facts about bees--that the males only live to mate and then die, that sick bees will leave the hive to die so that infection does not spread to the others, that they will not defecate inside the hive.  They are clean and regimented.  They have a plan, they follow the plan, and they perform their dance well.  God save the Queen.

But humans, being the destructive force we are, make it increasingly challenging for the bees to survive.  This book puts forth a wide variety of theories and introduces us to the people who study and stand behind those theories, and they suggest that the disappearance of bees cannot be connected to any one thing we do as earthly inhabitants.  The pesticides and herbicides are a frequently accused culprit, as our parasites and disease that are spread when bees are transported from place to place to increase pollination and the productivity on farms.  A small group of people argue that cellphone use is confusing the bees trying to get back to their hives, though this idea is not popular in the scientific community.  As always, global warming and large-scale farming lacking in diversity of crops are massive problems that we are not sure if the bees can adapt to quickly enough.

Throughout history, bees have disappeared in large numbers periodically, but the current trend seems to be far more alarming to beekeepers all over the world.  In parts of China, honeybees have completely disappeared and people are responsible for pollinating the plants themselves, which is a more laborious project than might be expected.

This book is a great introduction to bees, what life might look like without them, and the massive obstacles facing beekeepers today.  It is clear there is much more to learn, but I feel more prepared to jump into the abyss of information that has been cropping up in the last decade or so.  It does nothing for improving my mood, needless to say, but it is clearly important.

Slaughter-House Five, Or the Children's Crusade: A Duty Dance With Death

 Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut x2

Weight: 12 oz

Method of Disposal:  Gave to a friend who gave it back and then I donated that copy and another to Goodwill

I cannot guess how many times I have given away this book, and it is not my favorite Kurt Vonnegut book at all.  I am not even all that keen on it, though I do respect it.  It is impossible not to see it as important when you think about Vonnegut's time in WWII at Dresden, and the years he said he would right a book about it and finally did.  With that lens, it becomes even more powerful.  And with all that said, it is a Slaughter-House Five quote that I have tattooed on my back.  I got it after working at an animal shelter and losing some part of myself that felt pain, love, and passion intensely.  After losing so many dogs, cats, and people.  The sad stories and the tragedy occurring every day, over and over and over and over and over again.

 

The friend I had given it to now has Stage 4 lung cancer and has returned the book and says she loved it.  She does not even know what her treatment plan is, two chemo sessions in, because our medical system has grown too large and distant.  A life is so important and there are so many important lives.

Today, a coworker that I have known for 15 years lost his person and his kids lost their mother.  She was young.  It was unexpected.  He has been receiving treatment for cancer, in addition to the treatments he already receives for MS.  He is one of the hardest working people I know.  He is a great dad and a kind person.  She sounded like she was amazing too, and she made him happy.

The world is so heavy.  It is so beautiful and so painful.  It is so meaningful and so meaningless.  We all are clinging on in the balance.  We believe we are important.  We are important.  To us.  To some people.  We come slowly, and we go quickly, unless we go slowly, and there is no happy ending.  Though, a lot of happiness can be packed in before The End.  It is what it is.  Until it impacts you.  Then, it is so much more.  And, once you have been impacted over and over and over again, you have to decide whether to lean more into meaning or meaningless or everything and nothing.