Friday, April 6, 2012


Endometriosis: The Complete Reference for Taking Charge of Your Health
by Mary Lou Ballweg and the Endometriosis Association
Weight: 2 lbs
Method of Disposal: Putting in a Better World Books bin

That last blog post took a lot more out of me than I intended or even realized until the next day.  It seemed so simple and obvious.  I like the post but, if I could go back in time, I would not have written it.  My body and what we so often refer to as “heart” are reeling.  I feel unstable.  I do not know where I begin and how this ends.  I am not sure what happened because of what I wrote and what happened for other reasons.  

I am on progesterone for my PCOS.  I know now that I go into severe depressions when I am about to start my period, but I did not know that for years because I never had regular periods and had no way to make the connection.  I am hoping that this will end in 4 days.  That is when I can stop taking the pills for this month.  I take them the first ten days of every month so that they will control the cysts on my ovaries.  I am learning to keep myself in check, remind myself that I don’t always feel this way, remember that it will end again, and that if I just endure it life gets so much better.  SO MUCH better.  How can I swing from being afraid of death to not caring about any kind of self-preservation every single month?  It happens so fast and is so strange to me.

I have been on so many forms of birth control for so many years.  I liked the patch because I felt like I was advertising and validating taking control of my sexuality, despite the fact that I was a lesbian using it to control my body.  I liked the Nuva Ring because it was so easy, and I did not experience a lot of obvious negative side effects.  I hated Depro Provera because it changed everything and wrecked my body.  I had trouble taking the pills (several different brands)at the right times and consistently so ran into all sorts of problems.  It has been an adventure, but I was ready to try something other than birth control.  I was always taken off the bc for some reason or another, usually depression.  I had a terrible gynecologist who once told me to suck it up, life was hard, deal with the depression.  At the time, I was severely suicidal.  I was going through a bad break up and recovering from rape.  I was more afraid of myself than the cancer I might get if I was not on hormones.  Now, I am in a different place, and I do think it might be time to suck it up and deal.  If it really only lasts a few days or a week.  It is too soon to know, but I am hopeful that this is the case.

I do know one thing now.  I know that I do not have Endometriosis, something that was suggested by a gynecologist when I was 16.  That is why I have this book, which I bought years later when I was in college.  I am sure there is someone else out there that can use it more than me.  I am not sure how to get it to them, but I am sure Better World will find someone on the interwebs who wants it.

**In other news, the lumps I was concerned about are going away and the doctor thinks there is nothing to worry about.  Holler**

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