Affairs of the Heart: Men and Women Reveal the Truth about Extramarital Affairs
Interviews by Virginia Lee
1993
Weight:8.8 oz
Method of Disposal: Leaving in a lending library
I got this book for the "special value" of $1.00--the sale sticker seems to say it was in Spring of 2005. At that time I was very pro-polyamory and distrusted marriage, despite being a serial monogamist most of the time. I still feel strongly that polyamory can be a great thing for many people, but I am obviously not at all anti-marriage. I am quite happily married and, if I ever think of the end of my marriage, it is to worry about the horror of one of us passing away before the other. This happens when I talk to my neighbor whose wife died 18 months ago or if I watch a sad movie.
This book really just feels like an anthology of people proclaiming that polyamory is better or more natural than monogamy, with just a few exceptions, and less like a genuine look at a random sample of people who had affairs. The interviewer asks some very leading questions. On page 153, "So many women do not feel whole unless they are with a man and will tolerate incredible abuse just for that security. Them if they fail in such a relationship, they think there is something wrong with them. Would you say that this is why you meet so many unhappy women?"On page 85, "When did you begin to feel that marriage was not the fairy tale you had been raised to believe in?" On page 151, "It all comes down to forgiveness, which often reduces the 'unfaithful' one to the status of a whimpering puppy. Don't you think that it creates more anger, resentment, and humiliation--especially if the person who had the affair doesn't feel that there was anything wrong with what he or she did?" pg 150, "Some people believe that having an affair can be a healthy thing, it can revive a relationship that has gotten stuck in its patterns, or it can fulfill one partner whose needs haven't been met. Often loving a new person can open the door and let the light in. An affair can rekindle some joy, spontaneity, and passion in life. An often, there's more energy to take home to the other partner, if he or she can be open enough to accept it. Do you think such a scenario is possible?"
I guess I was hoping that this would just be a random sample of people who all had different or unique stories or just different thoughts about their stories. I felt like this was promotional material for affairs at worst and just annoying at best. The interviewees took little to no responsibility for their own actions, frequently whining about and blaming their spouses. I found most of them to be obnoxious and unpleasant. Consent. Consent makes all the difference always. Polyamory is good when all parties have respect for each other, have open communication, and consent. An affair by default has none of those things.
Don't get me wrong. I think there are good people that have affairs for a variety of complicated reasons. I just do not think this book really gave voice to that or helped anyone have a more clear understanding of that. I just think there was too much bias.
Interviews by Virginia Lee
1993
Weight:8.8 oz
Method of Disposal: Leaving in a lending library
I got this book for the "special value" of $1.00--the sale sticker seems to say it was in Spring of 2005. At that time I was very pro-polyamory and distrusted marriage, despite being a serial monogamist most of the time. I still feel strongly that polyamory can be a great thing for many people, but I am obviously not at all anti-marriage. I am quite happily married and, if I ever think of the end of my marriage, it is to worry about the horror of one of us passing away before the other. This happens when I talk to my neighbor whose wife died 18 months ago or if I watch a sad movie.
This book really just feels like an anthology of people proclaiming that polyamory is better or more natural than monogamy, with just a few exceptions, and less like a genuine look at a random sample of people who had affairs. The interviewer asks some very leading questions. On page 153, "So many women do not feel whole unless they are with a man and will tolerate incredible abuse just for that security. Them if they fail in such a relationship, they think there is something wrong with them. Would you say that this is why you meet so many unhappy women?"On page 85, "When did you begin to feel that marriage was not the fairy tale you had been raised to believe in?" On page 151, "It all comes down to forgiveness, which often reduces the 'unfaithful' one to the status of a whimpering puppy. Don't you think that it creates more anger, resentment, and humiliation--especially if the person who had the affair doesn't feel that there was anything wrong with what he or she did?" pg 150, "Some people believe that having an affair can be a healthy thing, it can revive a relationship that has gotten stuck in its patterns, or it can fulfill one partner whose needs haven't been met. Often loving a new person can open the door and let the light in. An affair can rekindle some joy, spontaneity, and passion in life. An often, there's more energy to take home to the other partner, if he or she can be open enough to accept it. Do you think such a scenario is possible?"
I guess I was hoping that this would just be a random sample of people who all had different or unique stories or just different thoughts about their stories. I felt like this was promotional material for affairs at worst and just annoying at best. The interviewees took little to no responsibility for their own actions, frequently whining about and blaming their spouses. I found most of them to be obnoxious and unpleasant. Consent. Consent makes all the difference always. Polyamory is good when all parties have respect for each other, have open communication, and consent. An affair by default has none of those things.
Don't get me wrong. I think there are good people that have affairs for a variety of complicated reasons. I just do not think this book really gave voice to that or helped anyone have a more clear understanding of that. I just think there was too much bias.
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