Marley and Me

Marley and Me: Life and Love with the World's Worst Dog by John Grogan
2008
Weight: 12 oz
Method of Disposal: Donating

 

Today, My Beautiful Baby Girl, Bayah, went into a trial adoption period with a very nice woman from work.  I was more of an emotional wreck about it than I have been in the past.  I had consistently been tormenting myself, going back and forth, about whether or not I should adopt her.  For once, my dogs seemed like they would allow it.  I could not even bring myself to say goodbye to her.  When I brought her in this morning, I had no idea she would be leaving this afternoon.  I, admittedly, went and top-secret, stealth cried on the walking trail.  It is always difficult to let a foster go but, as you may have read in past posts, often it is more clear to me that I am doing the right and necessary thing.  Bayah will have a wonderful home with this woman.  I do not doubt that, I just question my heart.  I loved her intensely.  Did I let her go because it was best for her?  Because I was afraid to take on more responsibility?  Because I was scared of being so connected to a foster?  I don't know.

 

 

 

Bayah (then Beau) was rescued with a single puppy, Aries, over a year ago.  They went into foster care with Harriet and Connor.  Aries got an amazing home with an incredibly kind, warm, loving man and Bayah went home with someone else.  She was fed a poor diet and returned to the shelter a year later overweight, with 6 teeth, hair loss, and looking like she had aged by at least five years.  We had nowhere for her to go at the shelter, but I could not just watch Harriet's foster walk back out the door without knowing she would be safe.  I took her home because I could not bare the thought of Harriet going through the emotional trauma of hearing what happened to her foster and not knowing the outcome.  I took her home because I loved her the second the woman said she had been cared for by a British couple. I would like to say it was before that, but I had hardened my heart.  How many other animals had come in before her that we did not have room for that day?  She embodied the love I felt for someone else.

 

 

I had her for a month, and I fell hard for her.  I loved her for who she was, a lazy, easygoing Chihuahua that felt like an overgrown potato in my hands.  I could bring her with me anywhere.  She played with my friend's dogs--okay, she did not play, but she could be around them, watching them warily or ignoring them.  She was the perfect co-pilot in the car.  She cuddled, burrowed, and snugged like no other.  Most importantly, my dogs tolerated her, were curious about her, and could leave her be when necessary. 

 

 

 

Today, she went home with a very nice woman who has another small dog.  A very well-groomed and spoiled Shih Tzu.  She will have a wonderful life, and I will be able to get updates about her.  It is the perfect, fairy-tale ending so why do I feel so lonely tonight?  I know it was the right decision.  I feel more and more confident about it as the hours pass, but I do not feel better about it yet.  Good luck, Sweet Bayah.  Look at me.  All in a frenzy and do not forget this blog started with the words "trial adoption."

 

 

 

Blood Thirst

Blood Thirst: 100 Years of Vampire Fiction Edited by Leonard Wolf
1997
Weight: 1.3 lbs
Method of Disposal: Donating

I feel half dead today.  All it really takes is having bad allergies in the spring and living in Georgia, trying to combat them with Claritin D, and then not getting any sleep for days in a row, but there. is. more.  I woke up to a seriously sick dog that is not mine but may not have a home.  The walls literally dripping with liquid feces.  Quite the cleanup at 8am this morning.  I am still monitoring her and hoping that she will be go okay.

Then, it was off to the shelter.  I was late, but the day started promptly with really wonderful people asking for my help on behalf of some seriously in need animals and me with not being able to help them.  Their stories sticking with me all day.  I agreed to be useful to people in any way I could out of guilt and a sense of obligation.  Doing home inspections on my days off for other humane societies, posting lost ads online, and taking phone numbers in case I could find something, afterall, for that pooch you found in the park, even as my own stray is fasting before her chicken and rice diet starts.

Things just kept falling apart and not going as planned.  The foster program I worked so hard to build seems to be crumbling more and more each day and my favorite pup, a pit bull that had lived at the shelter for around 5 years before going into "lifetime" foster, will be returned next month when her people move out of state.  I wanted so much more for her and thought we had finally found it.

How is this for an awkward, personal complaint post?  Like a good ol' Livejournal entry or something.  I feel like a vampire.  Delusional, tired, monotone, and a rage/desperation rising up within me that I am having trouble dispersing.  I didn't even know vampires were monotone...

 

Full Exposure

Full Exposure: Opening Up to Your Sexual Creativity and Erotic Expression by Susie Bright
2000
Weight: 11.2 oz
Method of Disposal: Leaving in a book box in Decatur

 

I just finished Full Exposure, and I loved it!  Thank you again, Susie Bright.  I love sex positivity and talking/reading about sex.  I particularly enjoyed her writing about jealousy.  She writes:

 

You also have to face jealousy head-on; your own baby will show you soon enough what that's all about, even if you're still in denial.  With kids, your mission is to show them that there's enough love to go around, that when you go away you will come back, and that they need to respect your privacy as well as their own.  They will get jealous when they see you paying attention to someone else.  When your infant howls or your toddler throws a fit, you'll see how natural jealousy is--but you'll also see the "natural" wisdom of separating yourself, with love, from those you love (108).

 

AND!

 

I don't believe you can purge jealousy from your soul, but you do have to put it in its place.  I get jealous as easily as I feel any of my babyish feelings, and I recognize them for that.  Sometimes I'll ask for my lover for reassurance, but often I'll tease him or make fun of myself.  I'll shout my most paranoid fantasy, because just saying it out loud makes me laugh at its absurdity: "You're leaving me for the Girl Scout Cookie Delivery Bitch!"  Being a jealous vixen is very cathartic as long as you declaw before the performance begins (109).

 

The whole book was a positive experience though, and the jealousy part was a very tiny component.  You should check it out.  See what it is about.  Let me know if you want this copy, and I can bring it to you instead of the book box!

 

Attitudes and Emotions

Attitudes and Emotions Part II  By Edgar Cayce
1982
Weight: 2 lbs
Method of Disposal: Donating

My grandfather called last night.  He wanted to know when he could have dinner with me and my girlfriend.  You have no idea how great that is.  So many years have gone by where my relationships were not discussed and if they came up negative energy quickly encompassed the room before being pushed away by southern politeness/changing the topic. 

I want to have that dinner, even if it is at a terrible restaurant where all the vegetables are soaked in meat juices and chicken dumplings are considered a vegetable.  The most amazing part about our brief but sweet conversation the other night is that I felt comfortable/safe gushing about her with him in a way that I have not with my other family members and several of my close friends.  In part because he is someone who still believes in love and also because he loves me and knows that if I chose to be with her she must be incredible.  And she is. So double, triple win.  I think I'm a gonna RSVP to this one.



 

Howl

Howl: A Collection of the Best Contemporary Dog Wit  Editors of BARk
2007
Weight: 1.2 lbs
Method of Disposal: Donating

I guess I have become a crazy animal woman, despite myself.  As a child, I was obsessed.  I watched every nature documentary I could find, read every book about critters my parents gave me, "adopted" as many as I could with my meager earnings from doing chores(you pay a fee and the wildlife group sends you a picture and certificate of adoption), drew/colored/hung up signs around the neighborhood encouraging people to save endangered animals.  High School/College I had what some might call a healthy appreciation of animals.  I loved them, but I did not fawn all over them or really think about them all that much.  I scoffed at "dog people" and "cat people" were beyond the realm of believability.  I say that, but I did become a vegetarian to cause as little harm to other living creatures as possible while in college.  BUT I had read an article linking animal oppression to SEX OPPRESSION!  And I loved women... I did not dream I would dedicate so much of my life to them in the years after college.  I, for sure, never thought I would dress a dog up, much less pay for the outfit. 

I would have told you that no, I would never drive to Knoxville, TN just to get two gerbils from an animal control facility.  I probably wouldn't have even said that.  I would have just looked at you warily and walked away.  As it is, my buddy, Skye, and I drove to Knoxville to get Papi and Prim in July of 2013.  She is a good friend.  I called her that morning, and she agreed to come even though she had to be at work that night, hadn't slept yet, and thought I said we were going to Kentucky for Guinea Pigs.  She is a good friend or someone with no self-preservation instinct.  I am not sure which.  We rode along, and I rambled on about anything and everything, listening to ridiculous music and pointing out fun places I wish we could stop along the way--like a billboard that proclaimed something along the lines of "Cows, Cheese, Wow!"  My dear friend had just moved back overseas, and I was a bit of a mess.  Fluctuating between being incredibly happy/excited by the trip to nervous/anxious/sad about potentially losing a friend.  I knew I was missing her when I would turn on the billboard hits she had always liked, and I had always hated.  I forced Skye to listen to them, smiling deviously and blushing.  I had never even let Harriet listen to them in my car during the year she was here and now I was making Skye suffer them even as she was doing me a good deed.  Sucks to be my friend, I guess!

When we got to the facility, no one knew where the gerbils had gone to.  They said if we could not find them then they were probably adopted.  This was alarming.  I had been e-mailing with a nice woman about holding them since we would be making quite the drive.  Not to mention, it was discomforting that no one could confirm or deny that they were adopted.  We finally found them on the floor, up against a wall, with a sign stating that gerbils learned about the world with their teeth.  Do not be alarmed if they bite you!  The cage I had waiting in the car was a huge improvement over their current digs, and I was feeling really good about taking them home.  I filled out the application, paid the adoption fee, and we turned around and headed back home with them seat belted in the back. 

We were told they were two boys, Ishmael and Queequeg.  I loved the names and was tempted to keep them.  Sherlock and Watson would be pretty cute too though...

My other dear friend, Tracy, had drawn them a welcome home card and brought treats.  I showed them off, and they started humping like fiends.  I was sure babies would soon follow, and I might have panicked.  They weren't boys after all!  As it turns out, they were both girls, and I joked about how I had adopted lesbian gerbils.  Holler.  I let Harriet name them.  She decided on the names of her childhood rabbits, Poppy and Primrose, also important flowers in England.  Over time, I molded them to fit me better and to fit the personalities of the two little rodents.  Papi is the dark-haired one and Prim was the blonde.

They were incredibly messy and destructive, frequently making me laugh, though also making me vow I would never get another gerbil again.  I would stick to hamsters in the future.  They seemed much cleaner.  The other day I went to feed the babies and found Prim dead, outside of her hut.  I buried her and moved Papi to a new, clean cage.  Papi has taken to sleeping on top of the hut when she sleeps and staying up throughout the day when she should be asleep.  I wonder what is going through her little mind.  I did not expect to lose Prim so quickly, and I hope Papi perseveres for much longer.

All of this is to say, rest in peace Queequeg/Watson/Primrose/Prim.  Thank you for spending your life with me.  I hope you had a happy one.