The Sweet Smell of Psychosis

 The Sweet Smell of Psychosis: A Novella by Will Self
1999
Weight: 4 oz
Method of Disposal: Giving Away

This short novella was not an easy read!  I think I have picked it up and not been able to get into it several times over the years.  This time, I was on post-surgery drugs and so think I was better able to suspend reality and try to delve into it.  It was a real struggle though.  I think there was a certain timeframe where men could write anything they wanted about sex, aggression, force, drugs, alcohol and the more "disgusting" or "disturbing" they could be the better.  I went through that stage in college too, but it does not work for women.  It is much more desirable for men to be forceful, ejaculate, fuck, and blur the lines of reality.  Women exist to conquer and to cum all over.  I am not turned off by dirty sex or risque behavior.  I love good, consensual fun, but I do not think being graphic for no reason makes you an artist.  Obviously, a lot of other people feel quite different, so to each their own!  I did appreciate the drawings dotted throughout the books.  They really added to the dreamlike, alternate and fluid reality that I was suspended in as the reader.  Also, excellent title!

The Body Parts Shop: Stories

The Body Parts Shop: Stories by Lynda Schor
2005
Weight: 6.6 oz
Method of Disposal: Donating

So...holy shit...I do not think I can put this is the tiny neighborhood lending library with the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Henke's young adult books about dogs, and every day housewive's mystery/romance novels.  I read the first two stories, and I thought, "this person is a genius."  I loved how the stories were arranged.  Fictional facts, real facts, blurbs, one story streaming through it all.  She was blunt, direct, and had some seriously beautiful sentences.  The third story, "Coming of Age," I thought, "what is this all about?  She's losing me, but I still appreciate how different she is from everyone else I have read recently."

As the stories went on the overt obsession with sex, penises, cum, rape, force, and violence actually started to wear on me a lot.  This is highly unusual because I like sex more than the average bear, and I like to be disturbed when reading fiction.  I also find myself writing stories with their own assortment of shocking scenes, but in this collection it just got to be too much.  It started to feel like the art was too reliant on the shock value.  It started to drag on and on. 

There were still moments where I was almost re-captivated, but the stories would always lose me before they ended.  There were stories I thought would be fantastic with a little more editing.  I think Lynda has what it takes, but I think she needs a little more polish.  Or, it was just not my cup of tea and it might be yours.  The title is perfect.  I love the drawings and diagrams.  It was risky.  It was fun.  It was also gross.  It was also sticky, thick, awkward, and sickening like a man ejaculating in your hair when you thought he was aiming for your mouth because he has an obsession with hair--yeah, that is one of the scenes you will find in this book, but the woman finds it exciting.  I am not that woman.

Unexpected Pleasures

Unexpected Pleasures: Leaving Heterosexuality for a Lesbian Life  by Tamsin Wilton
2002
Weight: 1.2 lbs
Method of Disposal: Leaving in Decatur, GA

This book was given to me by a woman who chose to leave heterosexuality behind while in college.  She was very vocal about it being her choice, which I thought/think was/is great.  There is some discussion about sexuality as choice in this book, which makes me happy.  It is not just nature vs nurture.  In case you were wondering, I think it is nature, nurture, and/or choice that makes someone's sexuality.  I think everyone has their unique mix up.  I believe I have always felt more intimate and bonded with women and that there is, possibly, a biological, hormonal, genetic cause.  I also know that if given the choice to be heterosexual I would say hell no.  I love loving women.  And, as I got older, I realized that if I felt compelled to I could choose to have sex with men, but I also knew I would never want a relationship with one.  I have never felt a strong bond with a man, with the exception of my high school best friend, Chris, and I was never sexually attracted to him.  I also just don't think I could deal with the outcome of male socialization.  I have no interest in a power struggle or a lack of communication/emotion.  I am aware that there are millions of sensitive, caring, feminist men out there that would probably make wonderful partners, but I do not want to sift through them all when I know I prefer women up front.  I would rather try to find a wonderfully sensitive, feminist woman.  And, while I was a lesbian long before my sexual assault, I do think that being raped will forever inhibit and decrease any interest I might have in being intimate with a man. 

That being said, I am frequently attracted to women whose sexuality is less defined and more fluid.  It is an incredibly sexy quality to have.  There is a certain courage and acceptance that seems to go along with it but, more importantly, I feel like these women have less rigid rules and unfortunate judgements/stereotypes about other women (and men),as a whole.  It is unfortunate that the lesbian community can be so naively dismissive and unaccepting of women with what might seem to them to be a less clear cut, defined sexuality.  I feel like it is getting better with the younger generation, but I still see it affecting women's lives in strong ways.  I was glad that this was discussed in this book.

Unexpected Pleasures is kind of like an intro too and a self-help book for women coming out as lesbians later in life.  I wish it had been slightly more fluid, but the woman who wrote it was a researcher and so I understand she had to narrow her focus.  I would like to read a similar book that included lesbian women who have come out as heterosexual later in life and lot more women who did not identify as one way or another.  There were some components like lesbian sex being better than heterosexual sex as a whole that rubbed me the wrong way, and I had so much I wanted to put forth to argue my points.  We do not have to tear down one to enjoy another.

Overall, though, it was a good introductory, supportive, positive book, and it relied heavily on actual interviews with women, which I appreciated.  I also liked the sources offered in the back of the book. The book was written based on British women's experiences and so the sources were geared to them too, though the author had a few US sources as well.

Full Exposure

Full Exposure: Opening Up to Your Sexual Creativity and Erotic Expression by Susie Bright
2000
Weight: 11.2 oz
Method of Disposal: Leaving in a book box in Decatur

 

I just finished Full Exposure, and I loved it!  Thank you again, Susie Bright.  I love sex positivity and talking/reading about sex.  I particularly enjoyed her writing about jealousy.  She writes:

 

You also have to face jealousy head-on; your own baby will show you soon enough what that's all about, even if you're still in denial.  With kids, your mission is to show them that there's enough love to go around, that when you go away you will come back, and that they need to respect your privacy as well as their own.  They will get jealous when they see you paying attention to someone else.  When your infant howls or your toddler throws a fit, you'll see how natural jealousy is--but you'll also see the "natural" wisdom of separating yourself, with love, from those you love (108).

 

AND!

 

I don't believe you can purge jealousy from your soul, but you do have to put it in its place.  I get jealous as easily as I feel any of my babyish feelings, and I recognize them for that.  Sometimes I'll ask for my lover for reassurance, but often I'll tease him or make fun of myself.  I'll shout my most paranoid fantasy, because just saying it out loud makes me laugh at its absurdity: "You're leaving me for the Girl Scout Cookie Delivery Bitch!"  Being a jealous vixen is very cathartic as long as you declaw before the performance begins (109).

 

The whole book was a positive experience though, and the jealousy part was a very tiny component.  You should check it out.  See what it is about.  Let me know if you want this copy, and I can bring it to you instead of the book box!

 

Not Appropriate For Work

The Guide to Lesbian Sex by Jude Schell
2005
Weight: 1.3 lbs
Method of disposal: Selling

I am ending my second day of not smoking, and it does not feel great. I swing back and forth between being confident and cocky about how easy it is to quit, and then regretting that I have gone this long without a cigarette and questioning my reasons for quitting. There is one potential upside though. I have had a huge increase in my sex drive, though I fear it will be temporary and is more connected with the edginess and anxiety of quitting than anything else. I am slightly hopeful that the extra energy boost and increased health you get from not smoking will carry it forward past these first few weeks. I have always loved sex, and I never really stopped, but ever since I was raped in my senior year of college things have been a little off. I have been on a quest to get my old sex drive back since then, despite the fact that it may not be possible and is becoming less and less important to me.

In honor of day 2, I want to sell one of my beloved sex books. Up until now I have left that section of my library untouched. Given, I am not getting rid of one of my favorites, but I still consider this a huge step. I didn’t know if I would ever be able to let any of them go. I bought this one as a bargain book for $4.99 at a Borders long ago. I am tempted to say this book is not a great one, but I think it just depends on the situation. The pictures have been described as “tasteful” and the information as “helpful.” This seems to be true. The pictures are almost too tasteful and the information is basic. This would probably be a great book for someone who is just beginning to explore lesbianism or is just thinking about it. It would be most helpful in the hands of someone who is less in touch with or just starting to understand their sexuality and/or has less experience with sexual encounters. The author writes about the importance of flirting, what women taste like and how it is different and changing, how to use touch throughout sex, and affirms that lesbians do fuck.

Sex My Studies Up

Jane Sexes It Up: True Confessions of Feminist Desire Edited by Merri Lisa Johnson
2002
Weight: 15 oz
Method of Disposal: Giving to my friend Tracy



Feminism and Sexuality are two topics that I believe cannot be discussed separately. They come up a lot in conversation. People struggle to grapple with the two together, but there is no other option. I feel comfortable in the many layers of possibility enveloped in the blanket terms, feminism and sexuality. I consider myself pro-sex, whatever that really means. I love talking about sex, reading about it, discovering new things, enjoying new experiences. I am a huge fan of sex toys, sex talks, porn, and people having the right to provide sex work while maintaining their safety and respect.

I often have to think and then re-think my defense of porn and/or sex work. It is a strange and blurry area. The Feminist Sex Wars have been written about a lot, and I have respected women on both sides of the pro/anti-porn debate. I spent a good deal of my college-life studying Catherine MacKinnon, loving her and disagreeing with her all the way (she did convince me to become a vegetarian). I am fluent in Pat Califia. Dworkin holds a special place in a crevice of my heart. I cannot possibly forget my past desire to follow in the footsteps of Susie Bright or, hell, even Sue Johanson. I’m not picky. I just want to talk to people about how incredible and versatile sex can be.

Recently, discussion about porn, sex work, and human rights has been renewed in my life. I find myself with some of the same questions I thought I had already answered and some news answers that question the ideas I had once fully developed. I am uncomfortable in some of my beliefs again, and I am more confident than ever in others. I am confused. This is not an unusual feeling, but it has been awhile. I am excited to rake it all over again and give it another look-see. It is an ongoing conversation I am having with Tracy that has me re-reading a large stack of books on feminism and sexuality. I am going to pass the stack onto her when I am finished because I think she has her own confusion—different than my own in many ways, though there are overlaps. This is the first book in the stack.

As per usual, I had high hopes for Jane Sexes it Up, but I wasn’t overly impressed. I also don’t think it helped me work out any answers for all of my questions. I found myself periodically checking the publication date to make sure it was really written after the year 2000. If it had been in the late 80’s I might have been more enthused. I felt too young for the essays, but too uncomfortable with my potential ageism to admit it right away. It all felt so dated to me.

“Fuck You and Your Untouchable Face” consistently quotes one of my favorite Ani Difranco songs--when I was in high school. I still love me some Difranco, but it felt weird. I appreciate the author’s honesty and openness, and I respect a good conversation about queering heterosexuality. I just didn’t learn anything, and I don’t know what she meant when she used the words “queering heterosexuality.” There was too much reservation in “Of the Flesh and Fancy: Spanking and the Single Girl.” And who judges spanking anymore? I know people do, but I am not around those people much so I forget. And what is wrong with the word “flog” or “flogging?” I like a good flogging from time to time, and I like that it is not dainty.

I did like “Liquid Fire: Female Ejaculation and Fast Feminism.” That might have been the best essay. I wasn’t anxious to leave it. I wanted to follow her through the sex club, and she was a good leader. I liked her sexual openness and how she subtly showed how you can maintain control of your body and your consent in a building with many sexual partners with a simple word or sentence if everyone respects each other. It doesn’t have to “take you out of the moment,” and everyone can maintain their hunger. The lessons on ejaculating were enlightening, and the author seemed confident.

“Scrutiny and The Female Porn Scholar” and “Pearl Necklace” had so much potential, but they quickly became some of my least favorite portions of the book. “Pearl Necklace” had me. I was so onboard with the masturbation, the ejaculation, the bath tub water turning cold, the rape fantasies, but she lost me somewhere in all her rape language. She defended it with her so whats, I like its, and who cares. Are those even a defense? Could you try just a little? I am all about rape fantasy, forceful sex, role playing, BDSM, and so on and so forth, but consent is my #1. And I don’t mean just saying “no” if something is unwelcome. Where was the discussion about consent, safety, consideration, and respect? “A Cock of One’s Own: Getting a Firm Grip on Feminist Sexual Power” was an essay I could not relate to but could see vague outlines of in my memory. I cannot remember the last time I spoke with someone who was anti-dildo, but I have girlfriends of friends of friends who are anti-dildo. I know they are out there. I have read about them in letters and in this essay, but I don’t see a lot of it in my sexual partners.

Maybe I am just super-sexed. I mean, maybe I hoped something would shock me, compel me, maybe even turn me on but nothing did. Worst of all, I don’t think I learned anything and the book came nowhere near helping me with my new prostitution and porn dilemma. I guess I didn’t know what Vulvodynia was before, and I do now. I thank Kantinka for sharing her story with me and all of us. I am not sure it gave me a good pro-porn argument, but I am glad I read it. It gave a good reason for why one might watch porn, but I can think of 100 of those. I need more good reasons for why people make porn-- other than money. A subversion of the patriarchy, playing with the strict rules of society, promoting sexual fun and play, helping others in their exploration of sexuality, pure enjoyment, just a job, what? Where do all these reasons fit into the dominant porn industry? Is it fair to look at “mainstream” porn and judge all porn? It seems that (at least in a capitalist society) the big rigs always have some fucked up idea of morality and the small, little independents struggle to stay alive. I don’t know what the answer is. Maybe we just need to be more responsible about how we purchase sex. Is there a Conscience Consumer list out there for the sex industry? Can anyone help? Do you have any book recommendations? I have many more books to come, Whores and Other Feminists being the next.