The Letter Q

The Letter Q: Queer Writers' Notes to Their Younger Selves Edited by Sarah Moon
2012
Weight: 1.3 lbs
Method of Disposal: Lending Library

My most exciting discovery from this book was that Bruce Coville self-identified as bisexual and then queer in his essay.  I remember reading his books growing up.  I remember thinking that there was something very wrong with me and being so ashamed.  I remember realizing that I was attracted to women and thinking I might be the only girl to feel that way.  I was so jealous of my brother every step of the way.  Being a boy.  Staying out late.  Dating girls.  All along, gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, and transgender people were around me, leading the way, making a path, helping me survive, showing me another way, even when hidden behind the words on the pages of books about alien teachers and dragon hatchers in the books I stole from my brother's shelf.

This book is predominantly gay with a capital G.  A few dashes of lesbian.  And maybe a pinch of gender fluidity.  It, ultimately, aims to reassure kids that life will get better for them and that they are not alone.  What would I say to Little Laura?

Dear Laura,

I am proud of you and impressed with you for coming out when you did.  I know it is not always easy, and it will not always be easy.  But you learned to fake confidence when you were not feeling confident, and I think that likely saves you.  You will have your nose shattered, your car keyed, they will put pictures of dead gay people in your locker, say horrible things about you that you still cannot imagine ever saying about another human being, and ultimately they will make your car inoperable.  They will also call you ridiculous names that will make you laugh because they just show you how little they know about sex, pleasure, love, and happiness.  "Leg Licker" will stand out as a particularly ridiculous insult in a stream of insults..  Do not let these things break you.  You will want to let them break you.  You will meet plenty of girls and women that are interested in you.  You will inspire people even when you think no one is paying attention.

People are not at all wrong when they tell you that you will love college.  I know you struggle to believe that because you feel so alone and fit in nowhere, but it is true.  In college, all the things the middle schoolers and high schoolers hated about you will make people respect you and reach out to you.  Some people will want your advice.  You will actually, and I know this is hard to believe, be grateful for all that you went through, at least in some ways, because, while a lot of people are discovering who they are in college and going totally wild, you will feel safe in the security and knowledge that you already know who you are.

The person I most want to speak to is you in 6th, 7th, and 8th grade.  Your mom's friend will tell you that those will be the best years of your life some day and that you will miss them.  You struggle to believe that is true.  Your mom will tell you that she wishes she could tell you that people grow up and are more mature, but it is not true.  The difference, is that you grow up and are more mature.  More able to find your own people and set your own boundaries.  Your mom's friend is 100% wrong (making you 100% right--you are stuck in the worst time of your life), but your mom was right. 

Don't get me wrong, you still have a lot of terrible things to face.  I will warn you now never to drink in that dive bar by the school, or at least to get the fuck out when some random guy you do not know gives you the creeps.  Up until then, there is not much you regret but, if you do not get out of there, you will regret so much for so many years.  Everything else will make you who you are and make you stronger. 

You will never again feel that soul crushing loneliness.  You will never again think that you are so uniquely malformed and maladjusted that you do not deserve to live.  You need to live and you need to meet the woman you will give all of yourself to.  She will not be the woman of your dreams.  It turns out your dreams were extremely limiting and were holding you back.  She is far more amazing than anyone you could have ever thought up, and you spend plenty of wasted time trying to find that imaginary person until the beautiful year you spend finding her.  The good news is that all that trying is what prepares you to be the person she needs when you find her.

Anyway, I do not know what to tell you and what not to tell you that will pull you through those hard years.  I think the most important things are as follows:

1.  One day you will not only be okay with being a lesbian, you will be GRATEFUL for it.  You will not want to change it even if you could!  This part of yourself has sparked in you so much more.  You are caring, empathetic, active, passionate, loving, fighting, worthy, open, interested, intrigued, turned on, compassionate, ever-evolving.

2.  Do not start smoking.  Your mom is so right.  Once you start it IS next to impossible to stop.  And right now, you think you do not have much to live for, but one day you will have so much to live for that, instead of dancing with death, you will start to fear it.  Having been a smoker will not make this any easier.

3.  Get the fuck out of that bar when it starts to feel wrong.  You will be in your senior year of college.

4.  You will one day realize you were and are incredibly lucky.  Your parents are amazing (your dad is not what you think he is), you have friends that love you, and your partner is, as previously stated, incredible.  You have a not so small menagerie of dogs that follow you around and get jealous if you give your attention to anyone else.

5.  Stop with the suicidal whatever whatever.  You will one day realize that you are not just the oppressed but the oppressor.  You've had too much privilege to take it all and throw it away without unpacking it, examining it, and dedicating your life to making change.  You do not get to give up.  There is too much to fight for.

6. Masturbation is normal and wonderful.  I know it does not take you long to realize this, but just in case you need some help.

7.  Dana Scully really is that cool.  You will always think so. 

8.  If you can set your life up to where you and your family can hide away for the year 2020 and have enough food, supplies, money, etc.  Please God, do it.

I need you to be strong for me.  Hold tight.  There is so much more in you and in the world than you know.

Take care of you.

Laura

MaddAddam Trilogy

Oryx and Crake (x2), The Year of the Flood, and MaddAddam

Margaret Atwood

Weight: 50.4 oz

Method of Disposal: Sent one home with my mom and donated the rest

My mother gave me this Atwood series for Christmas after having heard about it on NPR.  It sounded very interesting and, given her previous work, it seemed like it was practically guaranteed to explode my mind.  I did not realize it at the time, but I had also purchased the first book in the series at some point in my earlier life because I found an older edition in my library later.

The first book I read while I was sick.  It was the holidays and my mother was staying with us.  Harriet and her were watching a terrible television show (Reign) so I would read and bite my tongue about all the awkward costumes and poor historical portrayals.  Everything I had heard about the book had me riveted, but when I actually read it I was under impressed.  I could not decide if it was more about who I am now or about the writing itself.  I did not care for the main character and all the references to child pornography was making me feel queasy,  When I got to the end, though, I did want to read the second one and was disappointed (at that time) that it was not a book involving the same character even if I did not like him.  The second book in the series was by far my favorite (hanging out with a bunch of religious, nature-inspired, folks living commune style) so I thought the third might be the one with the most potential, but that one let me down too.  The end of the world has happened and in between the rapes, murders, and chases there are bright blue waving penises with innocent intentions.  Woohoo.  I was constantly right there with her and then let down.  Right there.  Let down.  To be fair, I had very high expectations.

My mother read the first one and then apologized for giving them to me, which seems extreme even now.  The idea of them was irresistible, and I read them all the way up until now.  It took me awhile because I was also reading other books and never getting well.  I went to the doctor for the first time since my coughing and breathing issues had started back in December.  I started using an inhaler all the time and could not sleep through the night without waking up in a breathless panic.  I continued going back to the doctor and eventually set up an appointment with the specialist.  I still ended up in the ER with IV fluids and medications being pumped into me at, what I found to be, an alarming rate. I cannot even begin to tell you how shocked I was when they said they were going to admit me to the hospital.  I had to leave all my work and friend plans behind and. just. lay. there.  But my beautiful Harriet stayed with me the whole time, and we "slept" together wrapped up on a hospital gurney, patiently waiting the 12 hours it took to get a slightly larger hospital bed.  She was scared.  I wished I could make her feel better.  We felt incredibly close.  Soon enough, we left the hospital and continued care at my father's house before coming home.  At that point, I took her crashing down with me.  Now she is coughing and short of breath.  They say hers is not a pneumonia yet, but I can see it following the same path as mine.  I sure hope she gets better soon.  I am worried, and she still wants me to feel better.  

I am behind at work, my chest hurts all the time, and I feel weaker than before, but I also can breath, which is really the main thing.  I am getting better and maybe it was all a blessing in disguise (for me, not The British One).  I've never been content to be a quitter (even as one) when it came to smoking, but I am officially over it all now.  I like breathing.  I like it so much and, when I do go out, I hope my chest is not exploding or dissolving into itself.  I hope I can catch my breath.  That if I cough something comes up instead of just hanging around, growing in size.

While I was in the hospital, I missed saying goodbye to a dear friend who moved to Connecticut for health and financial reasons.  She left gifts behind for me and Harriet, and we are texting more now that we did when she lived in Georgia, but it is not the same of course.  She told me today that she has emphysema.  Sometimes life feels like one gigantic lesson with people who actually play all the parts, and it is always unclear who the lesson is actually for since so many people are hurt (or helped) in the making.  I just hope that years from now, when she goes out, she is able to catch her breath and not feel that weight on her chest.

Dictionary of Modern Anguish

Dictionary of Modern Anguish by R.M. Berry
2000
Weight: 7 oz
Method of Disposal: Leaving Somewhere

This Chantix is an emotional rollercoaster, mostly one that is going very quickly down, but I trust that it is all so I can get off, safely, at some point.  I picked this book of the shelf because of the title on a particularly miserable night.  I did not know what to expect, and I think that is a good thing because there is no way I could have expected this.  I loved it.  I really enjoy experimental fiction and, when I read this, I could not help but think this is what separates brilliant people from the rest of us.  Book reviews of books that have never been written, insecure ramblings, and a man entranced by two women--the young, despondent one he loves and the old, mind-controlling talker who got him stuck in the first place.  There were some pieces that I couldn't care less about, but the ones I loved I really loved.
 

Hold On To The Sun

Hold On To The Sun  by Michal Govrin

2010

Weight: 8.8 oz

Method of Disposal: Donating or giving away

I admit it.  This was a book I bought at the Border’s going out of business sale.  It was like an addiction.  I just started grabbing books off the shelves at random.  The end was just days away and I could buy something like  5 books for the price of one!  The Dismantled Project faded away, and my animal instinct took over.  I can remember and relive the feelings that washed over me then because it must be a lot like what I am going through now.  I am trying to quit smoking AGAIN, and it is the third day.  If there was a closeout sale on cigarettes, I would not be able to resist.  Hell, if I walked into a gas station I would not be able to resist.  That is why I am trapped at my house, nauseated, and semi-delusional.  I am afraid to leave this cave and go into the world again and yet I will have to.  Soon.  Tomorrow even.

Ugh.

The part of the book I recommend is the very first essay.  It is entitled “The Journey to Poland.”  Let me know what you think.

From Chocolate to Morphine

From Chocolate to Morphine: Everything You Need to Know About Mind-Altering Drugs
By Andrew Weil, M.D. and Einifred Rosen
1998
Method of Disposal: Giving away, do you want it?

Day 3 of quitting smoking is absolutely my least favorite so far. I felt like I could not focus all day, was irritable, and whether or not it was related, I was and am extremely nauseated. I thought the first three days were the worst but now I hear it is five and, of course, the two week milestone, and then the three month. So much work! I do not like this game. Not even a little. I have found that it is best to leave work and go straight home, try to ignore everything else I have to do and sleep. The Georgia heat really helps knock me out until night falls. I wonder how my cohort is doing (I am quitting with someone else), though I hear she is not well via text.

Did I mention that this whole process is deplorable? In honor of this feeling and in memorandum of my dear cigarettes, I am giving away From Chocolate to Morphine. I am sure I do not have to explain why. If you want it, let me know, and I will ship it to you free of charge. The information is dated, but it is fun anyway, and a lot of it is still accurate. The authors state that they are not writing a pro or anti drug book but, rather, talking about relationships to drugs. Separating non-use, from use, and then from abuse.

Not Appropriate For Work

The Guide to Lesbian Sex by Jude Schell
2005
Weight: 1.3 lbs
Method of disposal: Selling

I am ending my second day of not smoking, and it does not feel great. I swing back and forth between being confident and cocky about how easy it is to quit, and then regretting that I have gone this long without a cigarette and questioning my reasons for quitting. There is one potential upside though. I have had a huge increase in my sex drive, though I fear it will be temporary and is more connected with the edginess and anxiety of quitting than anything else. I am slightly hopeful that the extra energy boost and increased health you get from not smoking will carry it forward past these first few weeks. I have always loved sex, and I never really stopped, but ever since I was raped in my senior year of college things have been a little off. I have been on a quest to get my old sex drive back since then, despite the fact that it may not be possible and is becoming less and less important to me.

In honor of day 2, I want to sell one of my beloved sex books. Up until now I have left that section of my library untouched. Given, I am not getting rid of one of my favorites, but I still consider this a huge step. I didn’t know if I would ever be able to let any of them go. I bought this one as a bargain book for $4.99 at a Borders long ago. I am tempted to say this book is not a great one, but I think it just depends on the situation. The pictures have been described as “tasteful” and the information as “helpful.” This seems to be true. The pictures are almost too tasteful and the information is basic. This would probably be a great book for someone who is just beginning to explore lesbianism or is just thinking about it. It would be most helpful in the hands of someone who is less in touch with or just starting to understand their sexuality and/or has less experience with sexual encounters. The author writes about the importance of flirting, what women taste like and how it is different and changing, how to use touch throughout sex, and affirms that lesbians do fuck.