Different Loving

Different Loving: A Complete Exploration of the World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by Gloria G. Brame, Jon Jacobs, and William D. Brame 

1996

Weight: 1.8 lbs

I collect books.  I am not trying to hoard them and am happy to give them up and rehome them after reading.  It is rare that I will read the same book twice.  There are too many books and, as they say, too little time.  It is a real possibility that I could die before completing my current collection, and THAT keeps me up at night.  It keeps me up and reading anyway.  I am on a mission.  

I remember when it started.  I knew the name of every book and every author I had ever read.  I realized that I was collecting knowledge and that, in a way, I could know at least a little bit about everything.  My adolescent mind did not yet comprehend what it would be like to hold too much information and to not be able to access it all completely.  I did not know what it would feel like to almost know so many things but to not know enough to explain anything.  That is where I am at now, but it is a compulsion and a need at this point.  I must read.  I must surround myself with all the things I hope to know.  I always have a few hard copies nearby, a couple on my Kindle App, all my shelves full, and boxes of books waiting for shelves to become available.  But, if you ask me if I want a book of yours, the answer is always yes.  100 times yes.  The less you are like me and making a recommendation the better.

I love the smell of both, old and new books.  If you bury your face in one, the smell is strong but, before I bring them close, I cannot smell them at all.  I love the feel of a good trade paperback--malleable but strong.  I prefer matte covers to shiny ones.  The shiny ones feel cheap and remind me of self-publishing.  Self publishing can be a wonderful thing, but it is mostly just scary.  It seems like the less money the publisher puts into the book the more of a gamble it will be.  How elitist of me.

I think about the people we have lost and the books they never read.  If they had advanced warning, which ones did they scramble to read before they would never read again?  Sometimes, when you are very sick, reading is one of the only things you can do until you can't.  Will I regret all the time I have spent reading or will I regret that I did not read enough?

I make plans.  If my eyesight gets worse, there is always large print, or you can change the font size on a tablet.  If that is no longer useful, there are audio books.  Is there anything in the world that has not already been written?  It seems like there is an endless resource, an endless combination of words, and some combinations just make my brain crackle and come back to life.  I live for that something new.  I hunt for it constantly.

The North (And Almost Everything In It)

 The North (And Almost Everything In It) by Paul Morley
2013
Weight: 2.23 lbs
Method of Disposal: Recycling (damaged)

I bought this while visiting Harriet's family in Northern England and, almost two years ago, Wisconsin started to eat it before it was rescued by Harriet.  The back of it and the index right up to S is missing.  Likely, it ended up digested and in the woods to the back of our house.  Luckily, I could still read it, and I did.  Or, I slogged through it.  I was not in love.  I might have felt different if I grew up in the North and/or was around the author's age.  I am not sure.  As it was, it felt disjointed and lengthy without reason.  I am also not a sports fan so could not relate there either.  My favorite moments were when he described his boyhood, and there were some clever snippets about Northern England in there.  They were just few and far between.

Four Winds

 Four Winds by Kristin Hannah
2021
Weight: 1.62 lbs
Method of Disposal: Giving Away on a Buy Nothing Group

My grandmother gave me this book about a strong, though insecure woman who survives the Dust Bowl with her children and, at least partly, with her in-laws.  It was rough to watch the main character just get beaten down over and over and over and over again.  Sometimes the story seemed to move to fast and then slow down for a stretch before speeding up again.  It wasn't my favorite, but I was invested and interested. I do feel like I learned a little about the desperation of the time in history.  I cared more than I did in history class.

I am amused and horrified by how much some people have turned on the author and the anger they spew, claiming the novel is Communist propaganda.  Some things never change.

Easy Crafts for the Insane

 Easy Crafts for the Insane: The Mostly Funny Memoir of Mental Illness and Making Things by Kelly Williams Brown
2021
Weight: 1.6 lbs
Method of Disposal: Giving Away on with a Buy Nothing Group

This book left me with an uneasy feeling for days and was, ultimately, "the straw that broke the camel's back" for me.  I have been battling depression unsuccessfully for quite some time now.  I do not want to ruin the book for you if you have not read it.  So, stop reading here now if you want--how odd to think about "ruining the story" when you are talking about someone's life.

In this book, the author talks about her own struggle with depression and the impacts it had on her relationships with her friends, self, boyfriend, and family.  She also describes her near death experience with suicide.  The way she described it haunted me in that she did not think of herself as someone who would die that way and then found herself just minutes away from death.  Her boyfriend could not recover from it and was deeply wounded.  They ultimately broke up.  I did not think I would go that far either, but there were many times I scared myself with how deeply I was sinking anyway.  Especially right before, during, and after my period.  I could not live like that--feeling like I could not control my own actions for half the month each month.  The author wrote about her brain being unhealthy in the same way other parts of her body could become unhealthy.  She would not think twice about taking medication to help other parts of her body.  She described how it felt after she took medication for her mental health.  

I wanted to be a better wife and partner.  I started looking into psychiatrists and finally decided to talk to one and started to take Prozac.  It was not easy.  Over a decade ago, I had a negative experience with a psychiatrist and therapist that left me unwilling to seek help for my mental health since.   I got desperate enough.  That is where I am at.  The edge has been taken off, and I am trying to figure it all out with a little less drama.  I am grateful to the author for the insight.

The Silent Boy

 The Silent Boy by Lois Lowry

2003

Weight: 5.6 oz

Method of Disposal: Recycling (unfortunately)

This is another book that is in such poor shape that I cannot donate it.  The truth is that it was already falling apart when I came into possession of it, and it has only grown worse with each move.  I did want to read it before letting it go though so it was the last book I read in my time off after surgery.

It was a very sad book.  Not the whole time you are reading it, though from the beginning you know the ending will be tragic.  You just do not know how yet.  The tragedy of this book is not some shocking, never heard it before, cannot imagine it happening sort of thing, but something that feels much more common and, maybe because of that, even heavier.  

The book is told from the point of view of a 9 year old girl and much of it is about her feelings and thoughts about a misunderstood boy, who would now likely be diagnosed with autism, but at the time was just seen as different, and even scary to many people in the town.  Though the people that actually knew him knew that he was very gentle.  You could tell by how he loved animals and they loved him.  I cannot say much more without spoiling the book.  Ultimately, I think the author was giving us a snapshot into what it was like for girls and women, for people with autism, for people in different class systems, and for people in general at the turn of the 20th century.  As always, when looking at history, there are moments of nostalgia and plenty of good things happening, but some things can seem unnecessarily bleak due to the customs and beliefs of the time.  It is still haunting in that those customs continue to shadow us today and are not completely gone.