Easy Crafts for the Insane

 Easy Crafts for the Insane: The Mostly Funny Memoir of Mental Illness and Making Things by Kelly Williams Brown
2021
Weight: 1.6 lbs
Method of Disposal: Giving Away on with a Buy Nothing Group

This book left me with an uneasy feeling for days and was, ultimately, "the straw that broke the camel's back" for me.  I have been battling depression unsuccessfully for quite some time now.  I do not want to ruin the book for you if you have not read it.  So, stop reading here now if you want--how odd to think about "ruining the story" when you are talking about someone's life.

In this book, the author talks about her own struggle with depression and the impacts it had on her relationships with her friends, self, boyfriend, and family.  She also describes her near death experience with suicide.  The way she described it haunted me in that she did not think of herself as someone who would die that way and then found herself just minutes away from death.  Her boyfriend could not recover from it and was deeply wounded.  They ultimately broke up.  I did not think I would go that far either, but there were many times I scared myself with how deeply I was sinking anyway.  Especially right before, during, and after my period.  I could not live like that--feeling like I could not control my own actions for half the month each month.  The author wrote about her brain being unhealthy in the same way other parts of her body could become unhealthy.  She would not think twice about taking medication to help other parts of her body.  She described how it felt after she took medication for her mental health.  

I wanted to be a better wife and partner.  I started looking into psychiatrists and finally decided to talk to one and started to take Prozac.  It was not easy.  Over a decade ago, I had a negative experience with a psychiatrist and therapist that left me unwilling to seek help for my mental health since.   I got desperate enough.  That is where I am at.  The edge has been taken off, and I am trying to figure it all out with a little less drama.  I am grateful to the author for the insight.

Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life

 Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life by Amy Krouse Rosenthal

2005

Weight : 12 oz

Method of Disposal: Giving Away

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I did not know Amy, but I think she might have appreciated how I came to discover her.  The universe just fell into place.  I do wish I had found this book in 2005 because I know I would have loved it and would have loved engaging with Amy, hoping to be one of the first one hundred she had encouraged to write her in the book.  

As it were, it was just this year that I was in Oregon and looked in the window of a closed bookshop and saw My Wife Said You May Want to Marry Me by Jason Rosenthal, amongst some other books I thought looked interesting.  I made a mental note to look it up later and, when I did, I read about Amy's Op-Ed, which I vaguely remembered peripherally but had never read.  Later, the book came up as an audiobook I might be interested in and, needing something to listen to, I purchased and downloaded it.  While cleaning out dog kennels, I listened to a husband tell us why his wife was so fun, loving, and full of life.  My heart could not handle the thought of losing Harriet and so I felt immediately connected to this man in this way, as many people do, I know.  He talked about a woman that loved family, letters and words, what might appear to be coincidence.  Immediately following, I looked into her children's books and booked an ultrasound to see what the cysts on my ovaries were doing.  I was way overdue, and I thought this book was potentially a sign to take another look.  As of now, I was lucky.  Everything was fine.  All the cysts were there, but no one was yet causing a problem, and I was grateful to have had that extra push to look, to be so careful.  

Later, Sleater Kinney came to Atlanta with Wilco.  Their show had been postponed due to Covid and was finally happening, outdoors, with vaccination or negative Covid test required.  I was there for Sleater Kinney/  I had no idea who Wilco was, but I knew that Amy and her husband had loved them.  I had just read his book!  So, when they started to play, I thought of this stranger I never knew and tried to imagine what she would have been like.

A couple months later, I was having knee surgery, and my friend surprised me with a box of books.  Some that were her favorites, some she was currently reading, others that her late sister had loved.  I was so excited and so grateful.  She pointed out Enyclopedia of an Ordinary Life and said it was one of her favorites.  I started there and, as I read, I started to feel like I recognized the author.  I did, of course.  It was Amy again.  Her book breathed life into the the image of her I had been given.  Her love of word play and letters made even more sense.  Her optimism and approach to life soaked through each page.  At times I felt like I was just like her.  At other times, I thought my friend was just like her.  And, still at other times and far fewer, I could not relate at all.  I enjoyed getting to know her via this "encyclopedia!"  When she wrote it, she did not know when or how she would die.  She says so herself several times.  It was painful in those moments.  

Still, how wonderful to have put your impact on the world in so many ways. That even a total stranger could look around and see these beautiful parts of Amy sprinkled around.  Not falling all at once like an avalanche but slowly, peacefully, landing here and there, touching different people.  I am so sorry her family had to say goodbye to someone they clearly loved so much.  I am grateful that she and they shared her legacy.

Untamed

 Untamed by Glennon Doyle
2020
Weight: 1.05 lbs
Method of Disposal: Giving to a Friend

I have wanted this book since before it was published, though I am quite new to Glennon Doyle, having just over a year ago discovered her at a Leadercast Conference.  It is hard to imagine us all packed into that auditorium now.  She had me laughing so much and, ever since, I have been on the hunt for this book, which finally was published.  Ultimately, a friend gave me a copy AND Harriet bought me a copy for Christmas.  I think Harry might have been trying to imply something when she bought be the LARGE PRINT edition.

I really enjoyed reading this book.  It does not include groundbreaking feminist ideology or tell us more about human sexuality than we previously knew, but it delivers information about both and so many other things in a fun, open, and useful way.  I loved (if love is the right word) when Doyle was talking about asking her kids if they were hungry.  The boys, in unison, immediately said "yes."  The girls looked to each other to determine silently if they themselves were hungry and one girl spoke up with "no."  I like how she describes the strengths of each of her kids and how different they are.  I appreciate her insights into addiction and living post-addiction.

There is a section of the book where a friend of hers says something about how she was "born that way," and she makes the argument of why could I not choose this for myself because it is GOOD.  Every time I hear "who would choose to be born that way," my soul cringes.  There was a time when I would not have chosen this, when I was young and scared, but now I would choose this and choose Harriet fully, knowingly, and 100 times over.

This is a good, fun, meaningful read.  I recommend it!

Zami: A New Spelling of My Name

 Zami: A New Spelling of My Name by Audre Lorde
1982
Weight: 14 oz
Method of Disposal: Donating

I am currently on a little bit of an Audre Lorde kick and have just re-read Zami: A New Spelling of my name.  One thing I absolutely love about Audre Lorde is that she is so seemingly honest and raw.  She is open about things that many people would keep private.  I think about her walking the streets with a knife in her coat, not knowing what she is doing or why, but disgruntled with upset about a recent breakup and her girlfriend finding a new partner.  This is not okay, and she knows this is not okay.  She does nothing with that knife, and she admits to having done it in her biography.  She writes about being a woman loving woman and a black woman in a time when that was even more shunned, ostracized, and legislated against than it is now.  She talks about trying to form a triatic relationship when no one around her was doing that and how it, ultimately, failed because no one in the relationship really knew themselves all that well.  We read about heterosexual feminists who cannot accept lesbianism or queerness of any sort.  They have no room in the movement.  Lorde writes about the anguish of losing her childhood bestfriend.  A friend that came to her for help and who she was unable to help at that time due to her fear of her parents anger.  She had no idea that meant her friend would end up dying by suicide, but it haunts her into adulthood.  She did not realize the abuse that friend was enduring at the hands of an adult man.  And yet, she also shows us beauty, determination, strength, and a will to fight and live.  

There is so much packed into this biography about race, class, coming of age, being a woman, loving women and people hating it, loving sex.  It ends with Lorde still in her twenties, and she still had so much life left to live.  She would pass away at 58, battling cancer, but she packed so much in to the next thirty or so years, and she left the world a more beautiful, empowered place.

I am now re-reading Sister Outsider.  I always appreciate the context Zami gives me for the rest of Lorde's work.

The Audacity of Hope

 The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama
2007
Weight: 9.6 oz
Method of Disposal: Donating

If I had not already been a fan of Barack Obama, I would have become one after reading his memoirs.  I cannot begin to tell you how much I miss having a competent, collected, savvy leader.  I know there are many people out there that can empathize.  His memoirs were great.  They were interesting and inspiring. He showed you some flaws, many of his strengths, his passion for helping people, and his sense of community.  The love story of Barack and Michelle was fun to read about.  He had a perfect past to set him up for leadership.  He had spent ample time in other countries, which broadened his mind, no doubt, but he had a clear love for America and was an established American (since that was such a big issue to the birthers, like Trump himself).  His work as a community organizer, his upbringing, his family, his being young and doing what young people do--all of it made him a real person that so many of us could connect with/see ourselves reflected in for so many different reasons and in different ways.

Obama really did give me hope and made me expect more and want better.  I did not feel like the things I had heard growing up about politicians held true anymore, not to me.  I was able to break out of the mindset that "all politicians are corrupt" and that "both parties are the same."  The idea that the government does not exist for the people.  I began to really think about just how hard of a job it would be to be the President of the United States of America.  I can tell you, even if it were on the table, I would turn that job down!  It takes a special person, and Obama was uniquely special.

I would not have wanted him to serve more than 8 years because I appreciate our democracy and the rules that are in place to stop us from having a dictatorship.  That being said, it is hard to imagine how different 2020 would have looked with a leader like Obama.  It is painful anyway, because the last four years have been so trying and overwhelming.  I wake up every morning expecting there to be another massive news event or emergency and, most of the time, there is.  I think of Naomi Klein's Shock Doctrine, and I see it happening all around me.  It is terrifying.  

We are really in a mess now and, while I am grateful to Biden for stepping up, I do not envy him.  Can you imagine being the leader of this ship?  

To this day, I am soothed by Obama's words when he speaks publicly.  His voice is reassuring and his composure helps me regain mine.  I dream of having another leader like him.  What a difference we could make in America.  Also, and I never quite realized how much this meant to me before Trump, what are all the great American things that we could preserve.  This has been a scary time for our democracy, and I am worried about how much damage has been done, though I hope this is just the chaos of old ideas dying off.  The rallying cry of people who no longer have a footing in a new, more progressive world.  I want to hope that we are on the precipice of something we can all be proud of creating, even as it looks like we are losing ourselves to global warming, violence, and individualism.  Thank you, Obama, for helping me know that dreaming big is not being unrealistic.  It is important and necessary.  We have to dream big to make big changes, and the changes we make (for better or worse) will be felt for generations to come.

Heartland

Heartland: A Memoir of Working Hard and Being Broke in the Richest Country on Earth by Sarah Smarsh
2018
Weight: 16 oz
Method of Disposal: Leave in a Lending Library

I am shocked by how negative the negative reviewers of this book are when discussing it. People seem to lose sight of the fact that this is a real woman with a real family that she bravely shared with us. They express irritation with what they seem to think is her blaming the system for not taking care of her family. I really think these folks have missed a lot but, even if they were right, what’s with the vehemence?

I guess I should not dwell on that. It is really not the point, and the book was published to high acclaim. With such a bold title, of course it has attracted some loud naysayers. I felt drawn to the story, particularly the women in her family—their resilience and their strength. They have flaws, of course, but we all do and the less we have been able to trust those who say they love us the higher the walls can grow. One thing that rang loud and clear was how much pregnancy could change the trajectory of a young woman’s life and the impact of poverty on generations of people. 

While I was not, myself, overly keen on the author writing this novel to the baby the author never had, I also felt okay about it. That baby that never existed—that she ensured that she would not have—was clearly a big force in her life and a real reason for where she is currently at in life. It makes sense even if it does not speak to me.

I would recommend reading it.

The Desert and the Sea

The Desert and the Sea: 977 Days Captive on the Somali Pirate Coast by Michael Scott Moore
2018
Weight: 1.5 lbs
Method of Disposal: Returned to Owner

This book was lent to me by a coworker after we went to a Leadercast women’s conference and saw a woman who talked about what it was like to be a reporter that was held captive in North Korea. This book has no relation to the book by that woman, but there are obvious similarities. The coworker had this one laying around and suggested I read it.

I was scared to read it for awhile because she kept it in immaculate condition, and I just knew I would drop it in a puddle of mud or something else equally stupid. One day, I finally realized that never reading and returning the book was likely worse than smudging it so I finally picked it up. 

There was a lot that I did not expect in this book. The author struggles to let go of the idea that he is an American and will be saved and, ultimately, he is right. It takes a long time, but he is rescued. He believes he has a right to many comforts and will demand them, despite how dangerous that must have been.  I was really shocked by how inexperienced and incompetent the pirates seemed to be and equally intrigued by how many of them seemed to be legitimately caring and empathetic to Michael while also being his captors and thus his tormentors. There seemed to be a definite desire to avoid killing Michael. Given, if they killed him then they would stand to get absolutely no money for him. 

Then, spoiler alert, I was absolutely not expecting him to throw himself over a fishing ship into the ocean, not die, and to be willingly pulled back into the boat after not being rescued. This whole book is a lesson in no one knows what they will do in that situation until they live through it. Michael was willing to share his experience of being held captive for almost three years. That’s a long damn time. I appreciate you writing this book, Michael, despite how painful your experience was. 

Southern Lady Code

Southern Lady Code by Helen Ellis
2019
Weight: 16 oz
Method of Disposal: Lending Library

I have been feeling under the weather since Thursday.  I looked up a Southern way to say that and was reminded that "under the weather" IS a Southern way to say that.  As is, "Sick as a dawg."   One I apparently felt the need to use with animal rescue folk.  There were times when I considered, "On death's door"or "I'd have to feel better to die," but death gets closer each year and no longer seems like something to through out flippantly, though I can tell you I thought a lot about death.  Not, in that I thought I would die, but thinking of those we love and their deaths.  What is the most painful it gets?  Will I have to know?  Will my loved ones?  Do any of us mean anything in the continuum?  There are twenty year olds who die of the flu.  Thirty year olds that wake up next to a deceased spouse.  It is unbearable to dwell on and so we try not to.  I try not to, but for how long?

Anywho, that is enough of that dreariness for now.  I am sure it will return.  Today, I am giving away Southern Lady Code, which I bought at Little Shop of Stories in Decatur, GA (which I love).  I have a love/hate thing for all things Southern, which is really the only way to love the South reasonably, I think.  We have a dark, sad history, but we also have a lot of really strong, amazing people that have overcome, fought peacefully and hard, worked hard, shown bright.  There is a lot to love.  Fried okra, Flannery O'Connor, Angela Davis, Y'all, peaches, waterfalls.  

Helen Ellis and I had a very different experience growing up in the South, but I could see elements in there.  She was from Alabama and ended up in New York.  I was in Georgia and ended up in Georgia.  It did not bring me all the joy I had hoped for, but I know there are many ladies out there (many of them that I went to college with at Agnes Scott) that would find much to laugh about and relate to here.  I hand it off and hope it finds one of them.  

Giselle's Bucket List

Giselle's Bucket List by Lauren Fern Watt
2017
Weight: 1 lb
Method of Disposal: Lending library at a shelter

This ended up being my beach read in Sanibel because I had absolutely no time for reading, and this is something you can fall in and out of easily.  It reads quickly and is full of pictures of an incredible and sweet mastiff, Gizelle.  The author is a young, confused woman who is trying to figure out her place and meaning in the world--I can still relate to that, and I am just under ten years older than her!

 I am only slightly kidding.  I remember being 25 years old and being desperate for meaning and answers.  It was very frightening and it all felt so urgent.  I only made it through because of my dogs (and ultimately meeting my wife).  It is a scary age to own a pet because a lot of 25 year olds cannot afford the medical bills or know what it takes to truly commit to a dog for life, but I believe it is a time when many people would benefit from having a pet.  Lauren clearly did.

I, of course, cried when Lauren had to say goodbye to Gizelle and could absolutely empathize with her.  My heart broke.  6 years is definitely not long enough.  I am glad Gizelle had Lauren and her family and friends though.

I don't know that this book had a real trajectory.  The author tried to use the bucket list as the glue that bound it all together, but the bucket list did not really seem to be the big, powerful thing.  It seemed like she tried to fit the list into the book instead of the list driving the book.  I think, like in life, she was confused about what to do with herself, her feelings, and her grief and so she wrote a book.  I think she did a good job for where she is at in life, though it did not speak to me as much as it might have when I was younger.  I can still remember and relate. 

I also appreciated her sharing the difficulties she faces loving an addict/her mom.  That was heavy and sad and something else the author was trying to make sense of.  Her honesty in and of itself was helpful, and you could see the love shine through the sadness and frustration in her acknowledgements at the end of the book.  This book is not going to teach most people anything, including the author, but it is a sweet love letter to the dog Lauren adored so deeply and a good peek into what it feels like to be twenty something and not know what you are doing with your life, relationships, and career.

Genie

Genie: A Scientific Tragedy by Russ Rymer
1994
Weight: 7 oz
Method of Disposal: Lending Library

This book was depressing on so many different levels.  This poor girl (now woman) seems to have spent her whole life being used for someone else's greater good.  At some point the scientists in this book were no longer able to be in contact with Genie, and the author was not, so maybe things started to improve for her, but it did not sound like it.  It seemed like her future would be very bleak indeed. 

How this poor child could be pulled from one of the worst abusive situations the world had seen and then end up abused in her foster placements is beyond me.  There was so much media attention and, even with the world watching, they could not keep her safe.  It is devastating and just shows the world for what it is.  Somewhere there is some person who has experienced such little joy in their lives.  They have been to hell and back and hell and back and hell again.  Their life is unrelenting, and it has nothing to do with who they are or the choices they made.  At that same time there are countless other people growing up at the same time with all the opportunities and all the joy and also not always based on their choices--though they have likely been lucky enough to make a ton more decisions and have been faced with many more choices than Genie ever got the chance to.

If you are looking for hope, redemption, someone beating the odds, people doing the right things for the right reasons, then do not look here.  This book is not that.  This is not to say that there weren't people who loved Genie or helped her.  There were but, ultimately, as a whole, it would seem that she was failed terribly.

Rosa Lee

Rosa Lee: A Mother and Her Family in Urban America by Leon Dash
1996
Weight: 8.8 oz
Method of Disposal: Give back to mom or lending library

This book was brutal.  It was a window into a world I can clearly see I have no known experience with, and it was hard to face.  The very idea that a mother would feel like she had to sell her own child and that she felt the child had been able to consent in any way is truly shocking to me and what is more shocking is that you cannot just villainize that mother and neatly put her away in a box labeled "terrible."  There is so much more to Rosa's story--good and bad. Rosa Lee's family is so influenced by institutionalized racism that is impossible to even imagine what would have happened to them in a different society or place.

I understand the fear that some people have that this book makes black people look bad, but I definitely disagree.  It is very clear that it does not represent all black people or all poor black people and, if you were ignorant enough to think it truly did, the author clearly writes that it is a thorough case study on just one family and explains why he thinks it is important.  Still, I know that there are many people who would read this story as evidence for whatever they already believe and that is always scary. 

The author writes, "I recognize that there are many ways to look at Rosa Lee.  There is something of her life to confirm any political viewpoint--liberal, moderate, or conservative.  Some may see her as a victim of hopeless circumstances, a woman born to a life of deprivation because of America's long history of discrimination and racism.  Others may give her the benefit of the doubt in some cases but hold her personally accountable for much of what she did to herself, her children, and her grandchildren.  A third group might say that Rosa Lee is a thief, a drug addict, a failed parent, a broken woman paying for her sins, and a woman who seemingly was so set on placing her children on the path to failure that it is amazing that even two of them manage to live conventional lives" (p. 251).

No matter how the reader feels about whether it should have been written or not, there is one thing we should all be able to agree on.  It is heartbreaking from beginning to end.  The destruction the drugs wreaked on this family and this community is unbelievable and frightening.  The individual understanding, accountability, and expectations each hiv-infected person had about their illness, their future, and the future of others around them was eye-opening. 

I could not help but think about myself now aged 32 and Patty Cunningham, Rosa Lee's daughter, being in her thirties in the book and completely addicted to heroine.  Unable to get through a single day without the drug, despite the danger she was in, without jail time.  The sexual abuse she suffered again and again.  We know what happens to Bobby and to Rosa.  I don't know if I want to know, but I cannot help but wonder what happens to Patty and Junior.  I also wonder about the others, of course, about Alvin, Eric, Ducky,Richard, Ronnie, hell, even Mr. Dash.  This appears to be Patty: http://www.tributes.com/obituary/show/Donna-D.-Wright-86154465.  What did she do until 2009?  I suppose it is none of my business, but I am grateful to the author for taking the time and for Rosa and participating family members for sharing their secrets and their lives.

The Camera My Mother Gave Me

The Camera My Mother Gave Me by Susanna Kaysen
2001
Weight: 12 oz
Method of Disposal: Donating

I was a big Angelina Jolie fan when I was a teenager, and I had been battling my fair share of depression, so when Girl, Interrupted came out as a movie I was excited.  I also loved Winona Ryder.  From the movie, I went to the book and read it.  I was reading a lot of Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, and Elizabeth Wurtzel then.  I was also reading The Vagina Monologues, The Clitoral Truth, Clit Notes, The V Book,  and Cunt.  From there, I stumbled upon this book which seemed to be about Susanna Kaysen and Vaginas! I purchased it, and I read it, but I did not like it as a teenager.  

I was going to pass it on without reading it again, but I vaguely remembered being introduced to some kind of new disease or disorder.  I decided to give it another go, and I thought it was much better this time around, though I can see why I was frustrated back then.  I did not think it was genius even now.  It echoed Girl, Interrupted in its self-obsessed way, though how do you write a book like this without sounding that way?  I guess I am not sure.  

It seems like people who have vulvadynia are the biggest fans.  I have many a review thanking Susanna for making them feel less alone and that, alone, makes it a worthwhile book for reading.  I thought it was good for medical professionals to see what it might feel like to be a patient in that situations.  Though, it seems like the woman who was kindest to her and might have had something to offer at the biofeedback center was one of the "hated" medical professionals.  I thought she seemed great, but Susanna did not.  Of course, after all the sexual assault offered up by her boyfriend over the year she was trying to figure out her vagina, the resemblance of the building to the mental institution she spent 2 years of her life in, and the pain she experienced daily, I suppose she was allowed to be a little cranky.  

The boyfriend.  I hope he read this and wept.  He was terrible and all the times he pressured her into having sex, did not go to the doctor with her, tried to force her to use things like the Novocaine that she kept telling him hurt her worse than if she had sex without it made me so angry.  Susanna still seemed to be grappling with why it felt like rape, though she was scared to label it anything like that.  She likely knew what all women know--that the public would tear her to shreds.  I won't label anything for her, but what he did to her was wrong and it was painful.  He needs to know that.  Any man or woman in a similar position needs to know that.  If it not consent if she does not want to say yes.

The X Factor

The X Factor: The Unauthorized Biography of X-Files Superstar David Duchovny
1996
Weight: 3.2 oz
Method of Disposal: Donating

I am so excited that the X-Files is back on.  I haven't been at all excited or giddy about television since the 90's but now I find myself rushing home from work on Wednesdays and cursing the universe when anything gets in my way.  Living the shelter life, everything will get in your way.

I love Mulder, but I am most excited about Dana Scully, as always.  As a youngin', I bought everything with an X on it and anything with even a thumbnail image of Gillian.  I found myself making an irresponsible purchase just the other day when I bought TV Guide in the grocery store checkout.  I guess some things never  change.

The one thing that has is that I would not purchase anything unauthorized now and maybe another thing is that, as much as I like Mulder, I would not feel the need to read a biography of David Duchovny when there are so many other wonderful books out there! Gillian on the other hand...

In the Body of the World

In the Body of the World: A Memoir  by Eve Ensler
2013
Weight:8.8 oz
Method of Disposal: Lending Library

I first read The Vagina Monologues in high school, and I loved it.  I walked around reciting "My Angry Vagina" to anyone willing to listen.  In college, I had the chance to meet Eve Ensler and Jane Fonda in one of many Vagina Monologue productions I would go to see.  Attending an all women;s private school, I also began to see some of the more problematic sides of the Monologues and white western feminism.  I would speak to these too and would be guilty of my own mistakes throughout the years.

It did not stop me from going to Charis, our local feminist bookstore, to buy Necessary Targets and have it signed by her at a reading.  I was never again enthralled like I was in high school, but I also never completely lost touch. 

Imagine my surprise when I stumbled across this book at the Dollar Store of all places.  I thought maybe it would be terrible and had been banished to the dollar bin for a reason.  I was wrong.  I enjoyed it and thought Eve did what she does best.  She shows truth no matter how disgusting, vile, negative, hateful, wonderful, idiotic, perfect, exciting, personal it is.  She has been accused of being self-involved, but this is exactly what allows her to dig deep.  Self-involved walks a fine line with self-aware and is often misidentified.  People who attend to themselves, speak powerfully from their own experience, watch their own back, love themselves, care for themselves--particularly women--will be called selfish.  Taught that selfish is wrong.  Even when discussing their own battle with a very scary, very dirty disease like cancer.

I appreciate watching Eve Ensler grow and change in the world.  I may not idolize her in the way I did as a teenager, but I do not really idolize people like that anymore (unless you are Gillian Anderson--kidding, kidding) or think that they must get "it" right all the time and every time.  That they are not fallible.  Eve shows us she is imperfect and allows us to look closely at our imperfect selves too, but she always asks us to do more and to be more aware.  There is nothing wrong with that.

You Don't Have to Say You Love Me

You Don't Have to Say You Love Me
by Sherman Alexie
2017
Weight:2 lbs
Method of Disposal: Lending Library

Sherman Alexie is another one of those authors that I love and trust enough to just buy anything he publishes whenever I come across it.  I was introduced to him by an Agnes Scott professor named Dr. Guthrie, and I have been fascinated by him ever since.  I was out with my mom and Harriet recently when I found this one on the New Arrivals table at Barnes and Noble.  I did not have the $22.40 + tax to spare, but I could not talk myself out of it.  I am not suppose to be getting more books.  I am suppose to be letting go of all the books.  My wife will tell you that I am not doing a good job and that they are still stacked up high all around the basement.

I am glad I did not talk myself out of buying it.  I am almost reluctant to let it go, but I want someone else to enjoy it, and I know I will not have time to re-read it anytime soon.  It is a beautiful book about grieving, identity, parents, family, Sherman, loss, gains, race, genocide, power, weakness...it is about Sherman and his mother and his sisters and his father and his mother's rapist and his sister's rapist and his wife and his friend...Shall I go on?  It is a mix of fiction interwoven with nonfiction.  Poems with stories with powwow chants.

It is well worth a read.  Enjoy it!

Dreams from My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance

Dreams from My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance by Barack Obama
2004
Weight: 13 oz
Method of Disposal: Leaving somewhere in Tucker or Decatur

I am sometimes terrified, sometimes ready to rise up, and most often overwhelmed and sad.  In an effort to prepare myself for my own future and for America's future, I am reading books that apply immediately to the current world climate.  I read Obama's biography in the month before he left the White House and his presidency ended.  I loved it.  I found it inspirational, and I was shocked about his life and how he came to be president.  It gave me hope--how Obama-cliche is that?--but it did.  It showed me what made Obama such an amazing leader, though I simultaneously mourned the life our new president had led in comparison.  Looking at Trump's past there is none of the passion for social work and people, none of the world experience and travel that led Obama to have an incredible amount of empathy, none of the strong family ties, and deep-rooted morals.  I am hoping that when I pass this book on it is picked up by someone else that needs inspiration, hope, and an extra push.  I hope it makes them feel that they can stand up, voice their opinions, listen to others, and make a difference.

Thing of Beauty

Thing of Beauty: The Tragedy of Supermodel Gia  by Stephen Fried
1994
Weight: 8.2 oz
Method of Disposal: Leaving at Joe's in EAV

I came to Gia, like many lesbians people of my age did, through the film in which Angelina Jolie starred.  It is the movie that made me lust for Angie above all others for years, and it is the movie that made me buy a book about a supermodel (something I never would have done).  The sexiness of Angelina and the queer love story snagged me, but the human pain and struggle would have stuck with me no matter what.  The book showed a far more disturbing underbelly to the fashion industry and the young fans of the industry than the movie but, though I hate to admit it, I mostly remember Angelina kicking in a window, desperate for someone to love her, being abusive (though I did not recognize it then as that--though I knew it wasn't good) to the beautiful Linda.  I remember Gia's pain, Linda's turmoil, the drugs, the misunderstandings, the family.

It was absolutely a movie a high schooler would love.  I say that, but I am not trying to take away from the adult pain...just recognizing the obvious.
 

The Bell Jar

The Bell Jar  by Sylvia Plath
2000
Weight: 8.8 oz
Method of Disposal: Leaving in a book box in East Atlanta or Oakhurst

It is a dull, dreary, rainy, sleepy day and thus, probably a good day to get rid of Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar.  I first read this book in high school and then, as a junior, I reread it and attempted to write my first serious literary comparison.  I had a vivid memory of it several weeks ago but now I cannot remember what the topic actually was.   I know that I read a lot of books and did so much work to get that paper done.  I was only suppose to write a short paper on one book, but I got special permission from my English teacher to take on a much larger project.  I got so caught up in reading every Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, and Elizabeth Wurtzel book I could find that I became overwhelmed with information and turned in a terrible paper.  I believe I got a very disappointing "B."  I deserved lower, if you just looked at quality, but I worked so hard.  It was so worth it though.  Little did I realize that the next year I would write an even more daunting paper on "The Sexual Connotations of Little Red Riding Hood" and then after that would attend a private college where you would be assigned a ten page paper in a math class and a 20-30 page paper in an English class and so on and so forth until you got to your thesis work, which was particularly big if you double majored, like me.  I needed that failing paper to get it out of my system, learn how to organize, and move on.

The Bell Jar.  It appealed to me because of the strong-minded woman narrating it.  I underlined, "And I knew that in spite of all the roses and kisses and restaurant dinners a man showered on a woman before he married her, what he secretly wanted when the wedding service ended was for her to flatten out underneath his feet like Mrs. Willard's kitchen mat(85)."  I related to her desolation and her disillusionment with the world and the people that inhabited it.  "The figures around me weren't people, but shop dummies, painted to resemble people and propped up in attitudes counterfeiting life (142)."  I understood the pain behind people's throw away comments.  The ones about your own reality that people make when they try to care but cannot wrap their head or heart around what you are showing them. 
                    My mother smiled. "I knew my baby wasn't like that."
                    I looked at her.  "Like what?"
                    "Like those awful people.  Those awful dead people at that hospital." She paused.  "I
                    knew you'd decide to be alright again (145-146)."

I am somewhere else in life now.  Far, far away from the experiences of Esther Greenwood/Sylvia Plath.  I still have dreary, dim, daunting, alliterative days and sometimes I even fall into depression but never with the same gusto and, if I do, it is only with the help of some sort of hormonal medication that throws everything out of whack but that I can recognize, gather support for, and move on from.

Today, I am just slightly sad and slightly sleepy.  Goodbye, Bell Jar, go spread your word.

Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal?

Why Be Happy When You Could be Normal?  By Jeanette Winterson

2012

Weight: 10 oz

Method of Disposal: Giving to Tracy

A volunteer at the shelter offered to have this book shipped to me from the UK, her home.  I always get Winterson’s books shipped from overseas because it takes a year for them to come out in the United States.  She worked some kind of magic though.  It is usually very expensive, but not this year. 

I was so excited for its arrival, and I devoured it once I had it in my hands.  I was smitten.  I wanted to reclaim any other Winterson book I might have stupidly let go.  I wanted to herd them all together and put them somewhere safe.  I tried to give up this biography as soon as I finished it so that I could write about it, but I could not do it.  I was too attached.  I am not sure that I am making the right decision now.  It makes me nervous, but it is going to a good person who will enjoy it and then pass it on in the way that it should be.  How many people will read it that would not have before?

As always with Winterson, the writing was beautiful and the heart could not be denied.  The life she unraveled for us was unusual, meaningful, and when all put together, beautiful, bittersweet.  I appreciated her willingness to share so much with so many of us.  So much hard stuff.  Thank you, Jeanette, for always writing with all of you.  At least, it feels that way when you are reading it.

Riding in Cars with Boys

Riding in Cars With Boys  by Beverly Donofrio

2001

Weight: 2.4 oz

Method of Disposal: Giving Away or Donating

It was late at night, and I was looking for a movie I could watch online, right away.  I came across Riding in Cars with Boys and, as per usual, I thought I had already seen it but figured I would give myself a quick refresher since I could not remember it.  I don’t know why I always felt like I had seen the movie and read the book.  I know now that I had done neither.  

I enjoyed the movie overall.  I sympathized with Barrymore’s character and with the character of the son.  I did not think the acting was top of the line, but I am not on the Barrymore bashing bandwagon either.  I have always liked her.  I was invested.

I went to bed thinking about Bev and when I woke up I decided to track the book down.  I found it on one of my shelves and started reading.  There were so many glaring differences!  It is obvious that the people who made the movie felt that they needed to make Bev a more likeable and pitiable character.  It was annoying to realize all the changes.  In the movie Bev does not smoke marijuana, but she does get busted for it in a last ditch effort to get her family out of the rut they are stuck in.  In the book it is her saving grace and even helps her relationship temporarily. She enjoys smoking and does it often.   In the movie, she never wanted to be married and was pushed in that direction.  In the book, she does fall for it for awhile.  She loves Ray—the moron.  In the movie, she does not get into college because they are afraid she will not be focused.  In the book, the college she attends on a scholarship understands that she will not be able to handle the course load of the other students.  I knew the romantic relationship between her child and her best friend’s child was bullshit before I read the book.  That would never happen in real life.  It goes on and on and on.  

It is true that in the book she makes a lot of bad and selfish choices.  She is called a bad mother more than once and the reader can see why.  She brings strange men into the home where she lives with her son and with her best friend’s daughter on a regular basis.  She complains about her son’s existence repeatedly.  She leaves him with his junkie father to go out and have fun.  They show that she can be a little selfish in the movie but not like that.  In the end, though, I can still see that she loves her son, that she was young when she had him and ill-prepared, that they are bonded and have a good relationship.  I can see that some of her unusual parenting styles were probably beneficial for her son and some of them were not.  She was a young girl who did not have the option of abortion and it changed her whole life.  She is brutally honest about her experience and does not hide behind shame.  A lot of parents make mistakes and do illegal, risky, problematic things with their children.  They are not all so honest about it.  Many do not do it as often, but if we did not grow up poor, with a baby as a teenager, who we to say how we would have handled it.  I am not convinced I would be better than Bev.  I think when all things are said and done she is a good mother who loves her son and had a rocky road to that realization.  She is possibly also a little hard on herself and does not mention all the sweet things she did as often as all the risky things.  Movie Bev, Book Bev , you both frustrated me, broke my heart, had me fighting for you, had me dreaming with you.  

Now, that last line makes it look like I wanted to write a raving review.  I give both the movie and the book 3 stars.