Never Enough: The Neuroscience and Experience of Addiction

 Never Enough: The Neuroscience and Experience of Addiction by Judith Grisel
2019
Weight: 16 oz
Method of Disposal: Mailing to a Friend

This book is part memoir and part scientific essay on neuroscience and addiction.  It is an excellent introduction for someone who wants to understand addiction better across a spectrum of drugs.  The author discusses the differences and similarities between stimulants, opiates, alcohol, thc, psychedelics, and other drugs.  Judith briefly mentions how others in the same or similar situation as her died, and that there is no reason she should have necessarily made it out alive and they did not.  She was in enough dangerous situations, but thank goodness she made it out.  Now, look at the work she is doing.  It is really impressive.  Think of all the talent, intelligence, and value we lose to addiction every day, with those that do not make it out.

Giselle's Bucket List

Giselle's Bucket List by Lauren Fern Watt
2017
Weight: 1 lb
Method of Disposal: Lending library at a shelter

This ended up being my beach read in Sanibel because I had absolutely no time for reading, and this is something you can fall in and out of easily.  It reads quickly and is full of pictures of an incredible and sweet mastiff, Gizelle.  The author is a young, confused woman who is trying to figure out her place and meaning in the world--I can still relate to that, and I am just under ten years older than her!

 I am only slightly kidding.  I remember being 25 years old and being desperate for meaning and answers.  It was very frightening and it all felt so urgent.  I only made it through because of my dogs (and ultimately meeting my wife).  It is a scary age to own a pet because a lot of 25 year olds cannot afford the medical bills or know what it takes to truly commit to a dog for life, but I believe it is a time when many people would benefit from having a pet.  Lauren clearly did.

I, of course, cried when Lauren had to say goodbye to Gizelle and could absolutely empathize with her.  My heart broke.  6 years is definitely not long enough.  I am glad Gizelle had Lauren and her family and friends though.

I don't know that this book had a real trajectory.  The author tried to use the bucket list as the glue that bound it all together, but the bucket list did not really seem to be the big, powerful thing.  It seemed like she tried to fit the list into the book instead of the list driving the book.  I think, like in life, she was confused about what to do with herself, her feelings, and her grief and so she wrote a book.  I think she did a good job for where she is at in life, though it did not speak to me as much as it might have when I was younger.  I can still remember and relate. 

I also appreciated her sharing the difficulties she faces loving an addict/her mom.  That was heavy and sad and something else the author was trying to make sense of.  Her honesty in and of itself was helpful, and you could see the love shine through the sadness and frustration in her acknowledgements at the end of the book.  This book is not going to teach most people anything, including the author, but it is a sweet love letter to the dog Lauren adored so deeply and a good peek into what it feels like to be twenty something and not know what you are doing with your life, relationships, and career.

Dictionary of Modern Anguish

Dictionary of Modern Anguish by R.M. Berry
2000
Weight: 7 oz
Method of Disposal: Leaving Somewhere

This Chantix is an emotional rollercoaster, mostly one that is going very quickly down, but I trust that it is all so I can get off, safely, at some point.  I picked this book of the shelf because of the title on a particularly miserable night.  I did not know what to expect, and I think that is a good thing because there is no way I could have expected this.  I loved it.  I really enjoy experimental fiction and, when I read this, I could not help but think this is what separates brilliant people from the rest of us.  Book reviews of books that have never been written, insecure ramblings, and a man entranced by two women--the young, despondent one he loves and the old, mind-controlling talker who got him stuck in the first place.  There were some pieces that I couldn't care less about, but the ones I loved I really loved.
 

Saints and Strangers

Saints and Strangers by Angela Carter
1987
Weight: 3 oz
Method of Disposal: Leaving Somewhere

 

My grandmother gave me this on her 80th birthday in October 2013.  She was surprised that I had not heard of Angela Carter, and almost appalled that Harriet had not, being from England and all.  I just now read it, and I was very impressed.  My mother walked by while we were discussing the book and put in her two cents that it was horrible.  Lovely writing, but the stories would just make you feel terrible.  They were both right, but I loved it.  I was shocked and slightly embarrassed to realize how well-known and respected Angela Carter is.  A quick Google search and you find that Time magazine considered her one of the 50 greatest British writers in 2008.  I am absolutely going to be seeking out her other work.

After finishing her book, I was feeling down and decided to begin working on a realistic long-distance love letter.  Here is the start of it:

I stare at the body under my sheets.  It is blanketed in a thick, dark layer of fur.  A physical reminder of how long you have been gone.  It is dreary and self-important to think of oneself like a tree whose rings announce its age to the world, but I do.  My hair says you have been gone for months, and my general malaise says there is no end in sight. I take the razor slowly and clumsily to my skin.  It does not matter if I get it all or if it looks organized.  I have time.  I secretly hope it will speed things along, but then I realize that you left me at the coldest time of the year, and I have removed my coat for you but you are not here to accept it, and I am cold.

The water is cold.  I dry myself off with a towel, check the fire and miss you.  I get into bed and slide towards the middle.  My dogs’ weight and the age of the mattress creating a rut that is just big enough to be uncomfortable.  I lay on 15 years of dead skin cells collected from ex-lovers, old pets, and dear friends.  If you cut my mattress in half could you map out my life until now?  We could take little tacks and tiny scraps of paper.  Organize it by number.  The single digits being the deepest and driest, and the double digits being more recent and fragrant.

All of this makes me want a cigachantichocolate.  I want chocolate.  Or do I want a cigarette? 21 long days for a 22 year old woman that makes my heart as pretty as my matching shower curtain and the candles that are “just for decoration.”  I never knew that I was supposed to choose them for color over scent.  The things you learn when you trail behind the world’s most beautiful woman with your legs shaved, your panties wet, and your mind focused on reorganizing your life philosophy developed over 28 years.

All this paints a fairly unattractive portrait of what it feels like to love 4,033 miles away from you.

My incredibly sweet grandfather on my father's side always asks if I have written anything lately and wants to read it.  Should I show him this?  And, just to clear things up, I ordered a new mattress immediately after writing this.  I shouldn't even show you this...

I cannot tell you how relieved I was to see it being toted away in a giant plastic bag this afternoon.

TWEAK

Tweak: Growing Up on Methamphetamines  Nic Sheff
2009
Weight: 10.4 oz
Method of Disposal: Donating

I recently picked this book off my shelf at random.  I did not read it all in one day like many people said they did.  I found it very difficult to get through.  It follows the life of a drug addict and at every turn things get worse and worse and worse and better and worse.  As a reader, you watched things happen and wanted to shout "no" or "stop" or "you know what he just did to you, right?" But the bad things happened anyway.  It made me feel sick and sad.  The desperation, the trying, the messing up.  This book was successful.  It gave you an inkling as to how painful addiction can be and how difficult it can be to overcome.  The relapses and the pain caused along the way.

Nic describes being raised with money and around money.  In many ways, this added to his addiction, as he could still money and housing from people who had it.  It also is what gave him a chance at survival, as his parents/friends/whoever could afford to get him into rehabs repeatedly.  I am afraid to Google his name, but I hope he was able to overcome once and for all this time.  I cannot imagine how difficult it would be coming from any socio-economic situation.

Hold On To The Sun

Hold On To The Sun  by Michal Govrin

2010

Weight: 8.8 oz

Method of Disposal: Donating or giving away

I admit it.  This was a book I bought at the Border’s going out of business sale.  It was like an addiction.  I just started grabbing books off the shelves at random.  The end was just days away and I could buy something like  5 books for the price of one!  The Dismantled Project faded away, and my animal instinct took over.  I can remember and relive the feelings that washed over me then because it must be a lot like what I am going through now.  I am trying to quit smoking AGAIN, and it is the third day.  If there was a closeout sale on cigarettes, I would not be able to resist.  Hell, if I walked into a gas station I would not be able to resist.  That is why I am trapped at my house, nauseated, and semi-delusional.  I am afraid to leave this cave and go into the world again and yet I will have to.  Soon.  Tomorrow even.

Ugh.

The part of the book I recommend is the very first essay.  It is entitled “The Journey to Poland.”  Let me know what you think.

From Chocolate to Morphine

From Chocolate to Morphine: Everything You Need to Know About Mind-Altering Drugs
By Andrew Weil, M.D. and Einifred Rosen
1998
Method of Disposal: Giving away, do you want it?

Day 3 of quitting smoking is absolutely my least favorite so far. I felt like I could not focus all day, was irritable, and whether or not it was related, I was and am extremely nauseated. I thought the first three days were the worst but now I hear it is five and, of course, the two week milestone, and then the three month. So much work! I do not like this game. Not even a little. I have found that it is best to leave work and go straight home, try to ignore everything else I have to do and sleep. The Georgia heat really helps knock me out until night falls. I wonder how my cohort is doing (I am quitting with someone else), though I hear she is not well via text.

Did I mention that this whole process is deplorable? In honor of this feeling and in memorandum of my dear cigarettes, I am giving away From Chocolate to Morphine. I am sure I do not have to explain why. If you want it, let me know, and I will ship it to you free of charge. The information is dated, but it is fun anyway, and a lot of it is still accurate. The authors state that they are not writing a pro or anti drug book but, rather, talking about relationships to drugs. Separating non-use, from use, and then from abuse.