Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Alice in Wonderland

Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll
Weight: 14.4 oz
Method of Disposal: Left at ChocaLatte off Shallowford
Special note:  This has been a hard one to think about writing because I know Sarah, one of my few regular readers, loves it very much.  I should warn you here.  This post has nothing to do with Alice in Wonderland.  Sorry!

I woke up this morning feeling relieved and lighter than in months past, though slightly sad.  As the day went on, and I continued to work--bringing the dogs in and out in and out in and out--daydreaming about starting a whole new life, the sadness started to creep in more and more.  It is infectious, you know?  By the time I started working on Christmas cards on my lunch break I had tears in my eyes.

I could not believe it was finally time to clock out.  I went home.  I talked on the phone.  I sat in a chair.  I stood up.  I walked around.  I sat down.  I frustrated the dogs.  I thought about taking a shower.  I thought about working on training with Belize.  I thought about cleaning or responding to some work e-mails.  I sat back down.  I drank some water.

When I feel this miserable, the only thing I can make myself do is sleep.  I went to bed around 6:30 and woke up around 7:30 in a panic.  I thought I had slept through the alarm and was late to work.  I started fumbling for my phone, started feeling sorry for myself, and slowly slowly slowly the day came back to me in all of its unfortunate dullness.

I went to buy beer.  I wanted to not be sober.  I drank half of one.  Beer is not the kind of not sober I want to be.  I poured it down the sink.  I took my regular, scheduled dose of hormones, hoping it would put me to sleep like it usually does.  I avoided the phone, even though I felt bad that someone might see me on Facebook (I posted a link from Just Detention).  I sent a text and then I never responded when the person wrote me back.  I didn't want them to know I was sad.  I thought I would just call them back when I felt happy again.  It would be better that way for all parties involved.  I wish I knew when I would be happy again.  Exactly what time and what day.  Good night, Friends, see you in the morning.

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